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Marco Omta

Sarcastic Scoop: America collectively wakes up from bad dream that is 2016 election

UNITED STATES — Americans everywhere finally woke up this past Thursday from the nightmare that was the 2016 election, according to sources. It was a long, grueling dream, according to many, but it was such a relief to be out.

“I’m just glad I don’t have to choose between Trump or Hillary,” Cleveland resident Joe Parton told reporters. “It’s back to deciding between two moderately, but more subtly, evil and corrupt people, and I’ve never been more relieved."

“When I woke up, I took a gasp of air like I had been drowning. I ran down to look at the TV,” Seattle resident Erica Silverman said. “And I was just so happy not to see that stupid Trump guy’s face on there again saying something racist, or Hillary lying again. It sure was a bad dream, but it made me appreciate reality so much more.”

The real 2016 election features a cookie cutter Republican candidate with a plan to lower taxes, a firm outline on strengthening border security and a strong conviction toward pro-life views. The Democratic candidate wants to increase funding to help the poor, fight for LGBT rights and is very pro-choice.

“Sure, they are the exact same as Trump and Hillary in many respects,” Simon Anderson, a Baton Rouge local, told reporters. “In fact, they have almost the exact same views and very similar rhetoric. They both appeal to generally the same people. But just look at them. They’re so much better of people.”

Every American reportedly took a sigh of relief and moved on with their day, making coffee and hoping no one confronted them on why they were voting for any particular candidate. Most Americans agreed that, despite the nightmare, third parties still don’t exist and the future elected president will indeed be bipartisan.

Marco Omta is a freshman studying music production. Do you wish we had different candidates? Email Marco at mo183714@ohio.edu.

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