ARLINGTON, V.A. — Due to new and improved camouflage developed in the Pentagon just this past Thursday, nearly all of the soldiers who tested the clothing completely vanished from sight, according to sources.
“Yeah, there are over a thousand troops around here somewhere,” developer Alan Wertz told reporters, “I just have no clue where. Whoops.”
Secretary Janice Worthing said that it was very eerie to walk into work, since the Pentagon looked completely empty except for one or two very confused people.
“I thought there was some kind of surprise going on!” Janice said. “I thought that maybe someone had remembered that it was my birthday this year, since no one does at this damn place. But no, the camo was just that good.”
Officers are concerned about the matter, as all 1,012 troops wearing the camouflage are nowhere to be found.
“We tried calling out their names,” developer Liam Nelson said, “but then we remembered we also implemented voice camo, which hides their voices completely. Not sure why we added that feature. Also, touch camo, which makes them have no form. Actually, I think we may have just disintegrated over a thousand people. Wow. Actually, we could probably use this on the enemy and it would be a lot more useful.”
Liam later confirmed that the soldiers were not, in fact, gone, since his hamburger was taken out of his hands at his lunch break and then vanished into thin air, and he has found multiple post-it notes making fun of his new haircut on his desk.
“They’re around here somewhere,” Liam said. “We’ll find ‘em. Eventually. Probably.”
The search is ongoing, as the developers have attempted to lure the invisible and untouchable and completely silent humans into a room with various foods and beverages.
“Maybe they’ll start their own invisible society,” Alan said. “Maybe they’ll begin anew, like a brand new race. Maybe we’ve truly created something beautiful. Probably not, though. We probably just really messed this one up a lot.”
Marco Omta is a sophomore studying music production. Please note that the views and opinions of the columnists do not reflect those of The Post. What do you think of camo? Email Marco at mo183714@ohio.edu.
