Sarcastic Scoop: Trump's hands are only moderately small, not very small

I would like to begin by saying that, no, this is not a popular opinion. I’m not going into this for the attention, and I’m not doing this to start a fire — I just want to present you all with a perspective that hasn’t been talked about much, if at all, over the course of the election.

Many people have discussed the extremeness of how small President Trump’s hands are. While I agree with them to an extent, I have one very large difference from all these people: I believe that his hands are moderately small, not very small.

I know I’ve gotten you fired up in your seat and that you already want to just close this article, but bear with me here. Consider the fact that an average hand is five to six times as big as Donald Trump’s hands. If we align this with, say, Starbucks drink sizes, we can do the math.

Starbucks has four drink sizes for hot drinks, which I will explain in detail. The smallest possible size is short. This size can only be made for certain kinds of drinks and is seldom bought since many do not even know about it.

The second misleadingly named size is tall. This is what people would call the “small” drink, and if you ask for a small drink at Starbucks they will usually ask if you mean tall.

The third size is grande, which we would call “medium,” or average. This is your run-of-the-mill coffee drink that the regular Joe would get.

Finally, there’s a venti, which doesn’t matter for the sake of this explanation. Plus, who knows why it’s even called that? No one cares.

Now, a grande represents an average hand. And anyone who’s been to Starbucks can tell you that a Tall drink is about five times smaller than a grande — it’s simple geometry.

Most people would say that Trump’s hands are very small—in essence, a Short Starbucks drink. However, a Short Starbucks drink is at least ten times smaller than a Grande. There’s no way our president’s hands are ten time smaller than the average hand — we wouldn’t even be able to see them.

With some simple division and calculations and use of parallelograms, we can determine that Trump’s hand size in Starbucks equivalency is a Tall, A•A “moderately small” drink—NOT a very small drink.

Thank you for your time.

Marco Omta is a sophomore studying music production. Please note that the views and opinions of the columnists do not reflect those of The Post. What Starbucks drink size do you think your hands are? Email Marco at mo183714@ohio.edu.