Going shopping this Black Friday? Here are the six different types of shoppers you will see. Prepare.
Each and every Black Friday, there’s a special category for each type of shopper you will see while out. Whether they’re out for the pure enjoyment of shopping, seeking the best deals of the night or forced against their will to be there, you’ll see a little bit of everything. Here’s the plethora of shoppers you might catch this Black Friday, if you decide to make the rigorous pilgrimage to Macy’s at dusk on Thanksgiving.
1. The Good Deal Guy
He’s the guy you will see waiting in line with 32 cans of green beans and 57 tubs of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! at Wal-Mart. It’s not because he needs the butter for a greasy slip n’ slide party or because he has an unusual affinity to eat butter by the spoonful. Instead, it’s because it’s BOGO, or even better: 75 percent off. His role model is “The Krazy Coupon Lady,” and you can find him with a Trapper Keeper full of coupons and a horde of unruly children that should have been asleep in their beds five hours ago. Avoid being the person behind him in the line. He’s the worst, and if you are a cashier, beware. DO NOT — I MEAN DO NOT — MAKE EYE CONTACT.
2. The Camper Shopper
This shopper is probably the most devoted you will see throughout the shopping trip. They’re the first in line to get that free Apple Watch at the door and throw themselves toward the newest release of Madden 17 for their 11-year-old. How did they get Madden 17 when it hasn’t even been released yet? It’s just another one of the benefits these campers have known about since August. As Thanksgiving goes, they probably cooked their dinner on a George Foreman grill with fellow campers that have been there for the past week. Their mission statement is “the early bird gets the worm,” and their spirit animal is Bear Grylls.
3. The One That You Will Be Perpetually Envious Of
You’ll see this shopper singing on the rooftops and high fiving everyone that didn’t get the deal he just got, saying overenthusiastically, “Maybe next year!” You most likely hate him not only because he got a limited edition 85-inch Samsung Smart TV for $299.99 that also has a new 4D technology that lets you smell and taste what’s on the television now, but also because he’s a self-righteous prick who peaked in high school. If you catch yourself losing sleep over that TV, just remember: The best four years of that guy’s life were during puberty. Let that sink in.
4. The Ruthless Shopper
These shoppers will not hesitate to snatch the last Star Wars toy that has been on your 8-year-old son’s mind ever since he heard the new Star Wars movie was coming out. Where is she snagging it from? Not a shelf or the bottom of a Toys R Us bin but right out of your clutch. Not shame nor guilt is not felt by this shopper, and she will leave you weeping like your son will be on the day of Christmas when he doesn’t find his beloved R2-D2 under the Christmas tree.
5. The Bane of Capitalism’s Existence Shopper
This shopper is considered the “hippie” of the consumer chain. You’ll find them at any local business, and if they ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO go to a chain store, they will only buy “fair trade certified” or will be the annoying customer who constantly asks the employees where the product came from and/or if there are any GMOs in the organic vegan gluten free cookies that they will stare at for 20 minutes and then end up not buying anyway.
6. The Bandwagon Shopper
This shopper will likely be hating their own existence with a group of fanatical friends. They’ll be out all hours of the night into the early hours of Black Friday morning against their own will and just get more and more irritated when Stacey asks, “Should I get this in red or purple?”