As many of us have become aware of lately, Athens, Ohio, much like Detroit, has become one of the most dangerous locations in the continental United States. Soon-to be-legal concealed weapons are being fired in the streets, there are riots when the time changes and there are even fights in bars! And just when you thought nothing else could go wrong, numerous people were arrested on a Saturday night.
To avoid this, the most practical piece of advice I can offer is that you should simply stay in your residence. Just like our president's policy regarding abstinence, I believe that the only way to avoid trouble is to not engage in any activity that could lead to trouble.
Thursday through Sunday, after the sun goes down, turn off all of your lights, lock your doors and windows and lie silently on the floor. And for the love of all that is pure, do not go to sleep. That's just the opportunity some maniac needs to come in and attack you when you're most vulnerable.
If you do go out, recognize that several techniques used when dealing with civilians on Court Street most closely resembles the guidelines one should follow in a close encounter with a silverback gorilla. When they feel threatened they will confront you by making as much noise as possible and beating their chests, but as long as you don't run, your chances for survival are better than average.
Do not say anything to anybody - the person you talk to could be a lunatic with a weapon whose only intention is to find an excuse to satisfy his bloodlust. Safety first means no verbal interaction with any other human beings.
Also, be sure that you don't make eye contact; it just stirs up their crazy rage and makes them thirsty for sweet, sweet blood. I find it's easiest to focus on a point on the ground about three feet ahead of your front foot; that way you're not tempted to lift your eyes toward their murderous gazes.
Social situations at private residences present a whole other catalog of risks and dangers that I don't even have the stomach to explore. When I do try to imagine all the possible risks one encounters in these situations, I nearly have a nervous breakdown and have to curl up in the fetal position and listen to Yanni for about half an hour to recover my bearings.
As for the opinion that has spread among some of my colleagues here at the University that we need a vastly enlarged police force, I say bravo. It has been proven time and time again that nothing helps spread goodwill and quell aggressive feelings that arise in drunk people more than an overwhelming police presence. The disturbances this past Halloween proved that once again.
To break a cardinal rule of satire and attempt to do a moral of the story afterward, I'd like to simply state that in this age of terror alert oranges and duct tape I get extremely frustrated when people abandon their common sense and crawl inside of the false protective cocoon of fear.
My heart goes out to any victim of violent crime, but the reaction to some of the unfortunate events over Dad's weekend by both local media and students would lead one to believe that there was some lawless spree of anarchy seen in some horrible post-apocalyptic film with a main character named Snake. I just hope we can all recognize that, with a few exceptions, where we live is hardly a dangerous place.
-Eric Dryden is a sophomore Creative Writing Student whowishes Tom Hanks lived through Saving Private Ryan. Send him
e-mail at eric.dryden@ohiou.edu
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