Wills are important. If you die without one, the government can get all your stuff - where do you think G.W. got those fuzzy dice for the rearview of Air Force One?
With spring break almost here, thousands of students will be descending on the beaches of Florida and Mexico. Also some of my roommates are going to Georgia - whatever that's all about. Many students will tell their parents lies about what happens on spring break, and their parents will believe them because they have never watched TV. Spring break is a dangerous place, with all the alcohol and alcohol, and some people will die. Everyone who doesn't die will do something so embarrassing they wish they had died. Either way, you're going to want to prepare a will.
I was required to write a will upon entering the Air Force National Guard, because protecting Ohio from an air invasion is a dangerous job. One weekend out of every month and two weeks a year, there is a very good chance I will die. Or do some homework on the government's dime. Given this cold hard truth, I take my last will and testament very seriously. Of course, the lion's share of your possessions goes to your family. But determining who to leave the leftovers to is hard when you have no friends, so I devised an ingenious plan. I opened a phone book and started pointing at random names with my eyes closed. This seems like a great idea, but most of the names you point at are missing the panache of a name deserving of mention in your will. I quickly changed the strategy, and with a little hard work, I found someone worthy of my hundreds or even dozens of dollars: a Ms. B.J. Assman. No kidding.
Now I'm sure this little story has encouraged you to go out and write your own will, but before you do, here's a little warning: Don't will your body to UCLA.
Q. What kind of freak would will their body?
A. In this case, California freaks: the worst kind.
Earlier this week, UCLA decided to suspend its Willed Body Program after an employee was arrested for selling hundreds of the body parts. One could expect these types of shenanigans at UC Berkeley, but UCLA? What about all those basketball games they won back in the day?
The story, which ran on Reuters, used terms like piecemeal
and turned a blind eye; cadaver puns that turned this creepy story into a creepy hilarious story. It also named another man who was arrested, and referred to him as a body parts broker. Upon hearing this news, body parts brokers from around the country flocked to California to apply for the newly vacated opening. The employers are looking for swarthy individuals with greasy hair and an eye patch.
Although the program has been shut down, medical students will be allowed to work on cadavers they were already dissecting, which was a relief to Steve, who lost his watch in a chest cavity on Tuesday. The watch was a gift from his mother, plus it goes well with his charcoal gray slacks, so he really hopes he can find it.
There are lots of great things to do with your body when you die. You can be cremated and thrown into the sea, or cremated and sent to the moon by that company in Russia, or cremated and put on a mantle, or cremated and used as flavoring in a savory jambalaya. However if your sights are set higher and you want to donate yourself to science (hot coed medical students dissecting your body), you might want to consider an Ivy League school first. Or Hocking College - they have a great culinary arts program.
-Josh wants to know if landlords are required to fix hot water heaters. If you know the answer, or don't mind him taking a shower at your place, send him an e-mail at joshua.sterns@yahoo.com. 17
Archives
Josh Sterns
