Happy Birthday Ohio University! Really? Is today OU's birthday? Well, not exactly. At this institution, we believe that birthdays are not, as the word birthday suggests, just a one-day event. Instead, birthdays at OU last an entire year, ensuring piles of tuition dollars go toward the celebration, most of that money buying cake.
President Glidden has made it known how important this bicentennial is by making appearances at several birthday galas. Two weeks ago his photo appeared on the front page of The Post, showing him enjoying a delicious looking cake made in the shape of a 200, which presumably signified the percent increase in tuition costs next year.
As someone whose tuition is paid entirely by the government, I care a great deal about where other people's money goes. In an attempt to find out the projected cake expenditures for OU's yearlong birthday bash, I called the Office of Money Spending to ask for a budget report. Because Ohio University is a public institution, there is some law that requires the release of budget information. Armed with this knowledge I asked the woman on the other end of the phone, What about that one law? What law? she asked coyly. Obviously she had been well trained in these matters and there was no getting past her brick wall of silence.
Unable to get the real numbers, I have made them up, Jayson Blair style. According to these imaginary numbers, a conservative fake estimate for birthday cake expenditures in 2004 is ´4.6 billion. This figure is 30 percent higher than previous expectations as considerations have been made for followers of the Atkins and South Beach diets, which are virtually the exact same diet.
It may seem like ´4.6 billion is a lot to spend on cake, but university administrators think it's money well spent. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, school administrator Rick Jarvis said, ´4.6 billion is not that much to spend on cake. Why aren't you wearing any pants? What kind of interview is this? Jarvis makes a good point: I wasn't wearing pants.
Perhaps school administrators are on to something. Spending money on cakes for hundreds of birthday celebrations could pay off in the end. For one, it could assist student recruiting. Fans of dessert, like Carnie Wilson, might be swayed by the University's commitment to high-in-saturated-fat-partying, choosing to attend based on that quality alone.
The expenditures also give students something to be proud of. When school administrators say, We're 200! students are understandably blasé, and sometimes throw fruit. But when someone says, We're 200 - and look at all of this cake! it's enough to send students on a couch burning spree that rivals that episode last year when someone burned a couch on Mill Street.
In addition to bringing in new students and boosting school pride, excessive cake buying will help support local businesses such as the Cake Shoppe on Court Street, and The Cake Factory a little farther down Court Street. The most profoundly affected bakery will no doubt be Bicentennial Cakes, which has been losing business since Strom Thurmond turned 200 in 1987.
Some people have voiced concerns over issues other than high cost. One student said she hoped President Glidden didn't grow a front butt with all the cake eating. Her friend was heard to reply, Do you think LeBron will take the Cavs to the playoffs this season?
Whichever side you take on this cake controversy is unimportant, as the numbers are made up and the school's turning 200 years old really has no bearing on anything. However, if you like to eat cake and burn couches, this just might be your year.
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Josh Sterns
