I never open my own doors, thanks to the wonders of modern technology.
Wireless Internet. Digital projectors. ID-card readers. Handicapped door openers.
It's marvelous. In the still-smells-new Walter Hall, I can surf the Web during class, watch movies projected on giant screens, register my attendance by swiping my OU ID and then walk out of the building without having to push open a door.
Life is so easy. For years, I had always struggled with opening doors. Sometimes doors were heavy. Sometimes doors squeaked. Sometimes doors got caught on the rug. Every time I approached a door, my apprehension grew as the myriad of potential door-opening disasters raced through my mind. But now, I am carefree.
Every building on campus has a fancy button I can press that opens the door for me. It is incredible!
The buttons are easy to find, too. I just look for the picture of a stick-man sitting on a circle. The stick-man represents a real person, and the circle represents a cloud, because the man is so happy about not having to open the door that he is floating in the clouds. It's so simple!
Even Ping Center is equipped with the magic door buttons. I go there to work out and to make myself stronger, but I'm still not strong enough to open a door -those doors at Ping are awfully heavy.
But it's OK; I can just press the button, and the door opens for me. This saves me from wasting my precious muscles on such a mundane task and enables me to flex more for the ladies. Hooray for handicapped door openers!
Perhaps the best part is that there's no fine for using the buttons even though I'm not disabled (whatever that means). I even checked the Ohio Revised Code to be sure. It's true. Free automatic door opening for everyone!
This is good, because using the handicapped door openers even though I'm perfectly healthy is nothing -NOTHING -like parking in a handicapped parking spot. If I did that, I'd be committing a misdemeanor, and I'd be subjected to a $250 to $500 fine. Parking in a handicapped parking spot is bad because it's against the law, but using a door opener is OK because it's perfectly legal.
Some people have told me, however, that using the handicapped door openers is immoral. I don't believe them, though.
They called me Jerkweed McLazyass
and said, Hey Jerkweed disabled people need those door openers because they can't open the doors themselves.
They also said, Hey McLazyass if you keep using that door opener
the motor will wear out and someday a disabled person will be stuck outside in the rain.
Then they said, Hey Jerkweed
you're 21 years old. You're as healthy as you will ever be in your entire life. Open the damn door yourself.
But I don't have time for people like that, people who call themselves compassionate and preach the powers of common sense. Hogwash!
Every day, I count my lucky stars that I don't have to open my own doors.
That's way too much work for me. It's so great that we have fancy, magic machines to do all of our work. That's what the real world is like anyway, right?
-Joe Rominiecki is a senior journalism major who sees you lazy pieces of dirt abusing those buttons everyday.
Send him an email at andrew.rominiecki@ohiou.edu
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Joe Rominiecki
