These are the times that try men's souls.
There is a great race on in this country for the presidency. The candidates have met three times, discussing terrorism, Iraq and the economy. But, for all the front-page stories, prime-time specials and in-depth interviews, both seem to remain in a dead heat.
No amount of Gallups, Pew Institutes or Zogbies seem to help. The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN and Fox News offer no assistance. What is left, then, for that much-courted group of undecided voters to help them choose their man?
Dodgeball.
It worked in seventh grade, and it will work now. The game would have to be held in neutral territory, outside the country -probably at The Hague. Ralph Nader -that indefatigable Independent -could referee. People from all over the world would come to watch the two American presidential hopefuls duke it out with crack teams of party faithfuls, pitted against one another in a decisive, winner-take-all battle royale.
Teams would consist of a captain -President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass. -and their picks to round out a six-member team. All players must be politically active: elected officials, advisors, appointees, pundits and fund-raisers only. No hair pulling, ear biting or other conduct unbecoming of the leader of the free world.
Bush most likely would pick a team from his cabinet and close circle: Secretary of State Colin Powell, his chief political advisor Karl Rove, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, Ohio Gov. Bob Taft and California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bush's iron resolve and steadfast stubbornness would be evened out by the intellect of Powell and Rice. And the always-crafty and cunning Rove could command the guns of Towerin' Taft and the Terminator to decimate the Democrats. The team's cohesiveness would be unmatched, owing to its uncanny and unfaltering abilities to toe the party line in times of uncertainty. And they all have proven over the course of their respective administrations that they have nothing to give their beloved country but their blood, sweat and tears.
Kerry's team most likely would consist of his VP candidate John Edwards, ex-presidential hopeful Howard Dean, his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Mass., and former State Department utility man Richard Clarke.
Kerry's deep and probing analysis and his time spent in Vietnam undoubtedly would help him lead his club. The brute force, mighty forearms and guttural screams of Howard Dean would fare well against Bush's double-barreled brawlers. Having worked with his fellow senator since the early '80s, Kennedy has a sixth sense for feeling the pulse of the squad. Clarke would do well against Rove's cloak and dagger style, having spent so many years, under so many presidents, working to stop terrorists. Edwards, a lawyer by education, needs no explanation. And Teresa could take them all on herself. That lady doesn't take nothing from nobody.
But, in the end, who would win? Could the Democrats overcome a team with such grit and determination? Could the Republicans fight off Howard Dean? The only way to know is to have the Dirty Dozen fight it out.
So I call on both campaigns to answer the call and fight. Pander all you want to the laid-off factory workers, to the hawks, to the doves, to the senior citizens who want to buy their prescription drugs from Canada and to the veterans. The only way to truly see your resolve, George and John, and to see how you react under pressure, is to play. Pragmatic and silly as it may seem, the people are waiting.
-Chuck Bowen is a junior journalism major. Send him an e-mail at charles.bowen@ohiou.edu.
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Chuck Bowen
