By the time you make it into college, you've heard the people are like snowflakes line more than Courtney Love has heard I think you have a problem. Whether it's right or not, let's admit it -we've been pumped full of the concept that no two people are alike. Well sorry to disappoint, but I've finally proven that is not the case. And while my rationale is not exactly scientific, it's feasible enough that you can expect to see it on CBS in the very near future.
I call it my You know the guy I'm talking about theory. It is based on the simple fact that there are duplicates in our society. That's right, I said it. Humans have duplicates, and the proof is not in the pudding, as Bill Cosby so desperately wants us to believe, but in how we describe someone to people who don't know them. Often times, we won't use a name or even a physical description, but simply refer to them as that guy who ... and then the most meaningful characteristic of that person. This description is usually preceded by a memory-jogging, You know who I'm talking about ... and the person always knows who that kid is because even though they've never met him before, they've met that guy before -aka a duplicate. Still don't get it? Don't worry, I have examples.
You know who I'm talking about -he's that kid who thinks he's best friends with everyone before he even knows them, and then says what's up while walking to class and feels cool. He's that kid who is always way too touchy-feely with every girl he knows. He's that kid who is always 10 minutes late to class. You know ... that kid.
He's that kid who thinks that because he averaged 12 points a game for his high school basketball team, he should be able to shoot every time he touches the ball at Ping.
You know who I'm talking about -he's that kid who thinks it's OK to answer his cell phone and then have a 20-minute conversation in the library. He's that kid who thinks that intramural flag football is his own personal tryout for the pros. He's that kid who has two beers and thinks that women are actually interested in what he did the last time he was drunk.
You know who I'm talking about -he's that kid who thinks that co-ed intramurals are his chance to finally beat up on people not as good as him. He's the kid who sees you Uptown and then talks for way too long until you have to make up somewhere that you have to be.
He's that one kid who always tells jokes, and if he gets any laughs, he tells the same joke six more times, until he's totally killed it. He's that kid who insists on wearing a mesh trucker hat, even though that was already old at this time last year.
Ring any bells? If this list accounts for about half the people you know, then I think we might just have something here. Now you may feel cheated, having spent so much of your early education folding white pieces of paper and then cutting whatever corners and edges inspired you. Sorry, but not everything you learned in first grade is true.
The beauty of the system, however, is that it's fair. All of us, no matter who we are, have been that guy to someone else at one time or another. Me? Just this year, I've been that guy who writes those crappy columns for The Post
that guy who keeps following us around and looking at us weird (sorry again to the members of the women's volleyball team) and that guy who makes first-graders cry.
Oh, and by the way, Christopher Columbus wasn't a hero -he was a jerk.
-Bryson Turner is a junior telecommunications major.
Send him an e-mail at bryson.turner@ohiou.edu.
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