I tried to resist writing about how this is my last column, and how I want to leave everyone with one final word, but I don't think I have succeeded. For some reason, I have this uncontrollable urge to offend as many people as I can before I leave school -just for good measure, of course.
It's not that I didn't have any other ideas -I actually had many. I thought about writing how the local public TV show Left Out should win an award for its outstanding news show. I was then going to commend Dan Rather and the entire CBS leadership for their exemplary coverage.
I considered writing about the evils of war and how war has never solved anything. I was going to contact some of Athens' finest peace advocates for some information, but then I studied history and realized that war has solved practically every great evil this world has ever seen: Hitler, slavery and countless genocidal dictators, just to name a few.
More then once, I mulled over the idea of a column that dealt with the idea of open-mindedness, but I dreaded the response that I would receive. God forbid someone would call me close-minded for believing what I want to believe or saying what I want to say. I don't think I could handle other people calling me close-minded for not seeing eye to eye with them. Being known as close-minded is a label I definitely do not want to have attached to me.
I almost wrote about how I think Athens should try to become its own country so that it could elect its own president and live in peace for the rest of time, escaping the tyrannical rule of George Bush and his crazy neocon cabinet members. I was going to mention how the university could bring only liberal speakers to campus and their obvious bias wouldn't matter because everyone would be liberals in this newly established country. I started to think that might not be a realistic column, though, because what would the people living in Athens have to protest against or complain about if no one in their new country had different opinions?
I honestly wanted to write about all the wacky people that write me equally wacky e-mails in response to my column, but then I thought twice because I don't actually want to offend anyone -well, not too badly.
One thing I didn't consider writing about again was Senate Bill 24. This decision most likely will please not only my editors, but also everyone else who is as tired of the topic as I am. I also didn't want to write about other equally tired subjects that appear in college papers like sex, J. Kenneth Blackwell and anything to do with drinking.
I also received a few ideas from friends about possible topics for today's column. For example, one friend wanted me to write about water fountains, another wanted me to discuss Social Security and still another thought it might be cool if I wrote about what women really want. Now, I know most people are thinking that I couldn't possibly have three friends; however, I actually do, but what I don't have is a clue about any of those topics, so I didn't even attempt to write about them.
Finally, I thought about blasting Athens for not having a barbershop that caters specifically to Ohio University President Roderick McDavis. However, I didn't have enough time to gather the information for that story or any of the other possible columns that I thought about writing because I had to drive to Columbus to get my weekly haircut at my personal hair stylist.
I know there are probably a great deal of disappointed people out there who are wondering why I didn't write about any of the aforementioned topics, and to you I apologize, but there are probably more people out there that are happy that this is my last column. No longer will people have to see my ugly face right in the middle of an equally ugly column that obviously lies to and misleads its readers. To you people, I say thank you for teaching me the meaning of irrationality, and providing me with enough motivation to come back each week to write a new column.
-Tim Boggs is a junior specialized studies major. Send him an offensive e-mail at timothy.boggs@ohiou.edu.
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