There is a serious absence in my life, and it is synonymous with golden, warm weather. I lack a certain dietary supplement that makes every sunny day a little bit sunnier and definitely cools a perspiration-stained brow. I require a beverage besides beer that overflows my mouth with saliva (a.k.a. drool).
Athens might be a spring utopia with its weather, landscape, scantily clad bodies and fests, but it lacks one thing -Slurpees. Before anyone jumps the squirt gun and thinks I'm unaware of the frozen Coke/cherry at Burger King -don't fret -I am aware. While I commend the king for taking a stab at the almighty Slurpee, it is just not the same. He ignored the most obvious necessity of Slurpee enjoyment -bulk. I'm sorry, but the creepy man in the plastic king costume does not offer the suitable serving size of frozen, flavored goodness.
The only Slurpee worth drinking is the heavenly 40-ounce that comes from the fine establishment of 7-Eleven, further proving that everything is better served in increments of 40. Even the Web site www.7-eleven.com keeps it real by stating, There are many imitators
but the original Slurpee beverage is only at 7-Eleven.
The king is a lazy drug dealer when it comes to availability for getting my fix. Only the 7-Eleven, crack kingpin of Slurpees, is open at insomniac hours to support my habits, which brings me to my next concern.
Why the deuce isn't there a 7-Eleven in Athens? I did a store locator search on the Web site, and this entire ZIP code is without the authentic Slurpee. The abysmal life I am forced to endure -minus frozen sugar water -recently has sent me over the edge. I need my chilled sucrose medicine.
I hope Mayor Ric Abel reads The Post because he needs to see this. Ric, I have already gone over my limit of 50 pages at Alden Library, and I cannot afford to send you a letter. Plus, publication helps me build a Slurpee-addict army ready to march for the cause.
This town, nine months out of the year, is full of the types of people that would kill for a Slurpee. An establishment such as 7-Eleven relatively close to the bars would deter riots on the switch to Daylight Saving Time. How can anyone be angry about having to stop drinking early with a Slurpee in his or her hand?
If you decide to do this, make sure it is done right. I recently received a phone call from a fellow addict telling me that her local frozen crack house was not serving the cherry flavor. Do not allow this blasphemy in the good town of Athens. The entire foundation of Slurpee was built on cherry; it is the standard and must always be on tap.
The lack of cherry and the inclusion of Diet Coke flavor are equally unacceptable amongst Slurpee purists. Honestly, who thinks about health, diet or nutrition when purchasing a Slurpee? I plan on taking both these problems up with the Pablo Escobar of 7-Eleven myself, but I figured I would first tackle local politics.
Finally, I have an aching desire to have my picture on www.myslurpeecup.com, and I want Athens -the town I pledge allegiance -to be part of my conquest. So, Ric, let's make some magic, and once we do, I'll buy you a cold one, buddy.
-Blake Gillespie is a junior creative writing major. Send him an e-mail at bg186203@ohiou.edu. 17
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Blake Gillespie
