Steve Jobs is milking the iPod for all it's worth. Just weeks after the iPod nano came onto the scene, Apple has released another new iPod, this one able to show television shows, music videos, home movies and God knows what else, maybe even the future.
The new device joins the ranks of the original iPod, iPod shuffle, iPod photo, iPod nano, U2 Special Edition iPod and the health-conscious iPod Lite, with half the calories and twice the fun, making for a grand total of 749 different iPods, not to mention the ever-growing number of attachments.
Let's hope someday they'll devise a Vertigo attachment for the U2 iPod that fixes the problem where it mysteriously skips from track 3 to 14 with no explanation.
Now, through much hard work and a stunning amount of blatant fabrication, Let's Get Farcical has learned that Apple is planning a new regional marketing operation that will develop iPods geared toward specific communities. Fortunately, no Bothans died to bring us that information, but one of them did stub his toe. Anyhow, here are the plans.
iPod Keg Party: Ever put your cup down at a keg party only to have someone throw it away, or claim someone did to hide the fact that at the moment you are little hazy on where you left it? Constantly risking a case of hepatitis B by snagging used cups when you show up too late to get your own?
Well, say goodbye to your worries with the new iPod Keg Party. Sporting a capacity of 5,000 songs and 12 fluid ounces, it's impossible to lose because it's tethered to your head with stylish white earbuds. Plus, at $300 a pop, you'd be a moron to set it down anywhere at a stranger's house. And when the host puts world music on the stereo or your ex shows up seeking validation, you can crank up the volume and keep on rocking.
iPod Zippo: Very compact and with a built-in butane lighter function, the iPod Zippo has a capacity of 50 songs. And at the low price of $30, it's affordable to all, which means everyone will quit asking me for a freakin' light. Just because I have an afro doesn't mean I'm always on the wacky weed, people. Crimoney! (Disclaimer: Apple collects a $75 service charge for refilling the butane tank. Attempting to do it yourself will void the warranty)
iPod Peapod: Mmmm, peas.
iPod Tune Out: This version of the iPod contains a pre-programmed voice detector that keeps you from hearing useless information. For instance, whenever it hears your girlfriend exclaim You'll never guess what my cat did today
or your women's studies - or English or political science or sociology or anthropology or philosophy - professor start to explain the origins of rule of thumb for the millionth time, it automatically turns itself on.
Meanwhile, it is analyzing the information and at the appropriate time will cut the music and prompt you to nod your head, say uh-huh furrow your brow, etc.
iPod City Council: This iPod is made of recycled plastics and warm, happy feelings and is window-dressed with lots of flashy, unnecessary accouterments. However, it lacks basic, necessary features and suffers from circuitry that is not fire-safe. iPod City Council is available on an installment plan, but every time you get close to paying it off, the price goes up.
iPod Protein Analyzer: First, just to clarify for those CSI fans out there, this is not a sex joke. Ahem. The iPod Protein Analyzer is the perfect companion in the dining hall. In addition to drowning out the six-month-old MTV-U videos on the television, it comes with a high-tech scanner that will allow you to determine, finally, whether the entr+
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Noah Blundo
