After surviving the 2005 War on Christmas and the subsequent Operation Kwanzaa Storm, it's time for a new year and a new quarter.
This is also a time when people make a list of all the ways they failed to improve themselves in the previous year, an act better known as making New Year's resolutions. So, partly because I'm a sucker for tradition, but mainly because I can't come up with a better column idea, I present my resolutions for 2006.
This year, I resolve to: 1. Skirt the abortion issue.
It's difficult to have a rational discussion about abortion. Even the most intelligent people turn it from a constitutional rights debate into a moral contest. After the Supreme Court legalized abortion in the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, everyone in America felt entitled to a free law degree and started playing Supreme Court Jurisprudence: The Home Edition. Unfortunately, no one wins in this game; the whole family just yells at each other until somebody chains himself or herself to an abortion clinic door. Now, with Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito set for next week, people are playing the game as much as ever.
Ever since President Bush nominated Alito in October, people have focused on his legal opinions concerning abortion. Every memo or brief he has ever written has been combed over in order to ascertain his opinion about abortion. Some people are even supporting him solely because they think he'll provide the court with the necessary swing vote that could possibly overturn Roe.
However, making up your mind about a Supreme Court nominee because of his opinion on abortion is like drinking Windex because blue is your favorite color. No matter how delicious the Alito nomination may look, he contains ammonia and should only be used to wash windows.
People shouldn't ignore his legal beliefs about the First Amendment, torture, doctor-assisted suicide, government wiretapping, Anna Nicole Smith's inheritance or any of the myriad other issues he will face on the court. The Supreme Court is a lifetime appointment; no matter how many hip replacements or colostomy bags the justices go through, they can stay there as long as they'd like. Because Alito is only 50 years old, we'll be stuck with this guy for quite a long time if he's confirmed. We should at least know what we're getting beyond a single issue.
Just as the abortion issue has clouded up the Alito confirmation hearings, it's already taken up more space in this column then originally intended. So, with the rest of the space I would rather use to make fun of people, which leads to the next resolution.
2. Lose weight.
This will give me the ultimate edge in a political debate. If the person I'm arguing with is fat, I can just call him fat, and that obviously negates his argument. So, if I lose weight, no one can use this argument against me.
These ad hominem arguments work great. For example, if I want to debunk anything Rush Limbaugh spews forth, I just counter with: Rush Limbaugh is fat; therefore
he is wrong. Q.E.D. The same thing works for criticizing other pundits, such as left-wing filmmaker Michael Moore, Bush advisor Karl Rove or Fox News commentator Porky S. Lardbuttson.
But although this is an effective tool, it is rather impolite. Some people seem to take offense when you call them fat, ugly, unpatriotic or liberal - although those last two are basically the same nowadays. So, I guess I should make one more resolution.
3. Be nicer to people.
I try not to lump people into broad categories, but there are certain groups of people with whom I often disagree. In no particular order, these include Republicans, Libertarians, Democrats, Ohio State fans, the Second Amendment Club, Marching 110 groupies, Gandhi apologists, anyone from the South and Scientologists.
However much I disagree with these people, I recognize that debate is the foundation of democratic society - without it, cable news networks would only have 25 minutes of programming. So this year, I will respect others' beliefs, limit myself to a rational discussion of controversial issues and do my best not to offend people who don't agree with me - even though they're wrong.
Of course, some resolutions were made to be broken.
- Joe Merical is a senior journalism major. Send him an e-mail at jm184701@ohiou.edu. 17
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