I'm sure I don't need to say it, but considering it is my journalistic responsibility to share my knowledge and beliefs with you, my faithful readers, and I have a word count to reach, I'm going to say it anyway: It is coming. September is over, and every student at this great college can feel their excitement building, their hearts pounding and their beer-holding hand shaking, for Halloween is coming. Oh, it's coming.
In order to sufficiently explain Halloween to the new students, allow me to relay a memory from my first Halloween here. This memory is particularly important, as it is one of the few I can actually recall from that particular moment in time. I remember my first quarter at OU, the Friday before my first-ever Ohio University Halloween. I was in my last class of the day, a history class. My professor, a genuinely decent older gentleman, suggested an old Greek book as supplemental reading, saying It'll provide good reading this weekend. And oh, did we laugh. You see, every student there knew that if anything was going to be read over Halloween weekend in Athens, it was probably going to be the Miranda Rights.
However, this makes me almost as sad as when I discovered that Santa Clause wasn't real, or that the production of duct tape rarely, if ever, involves ducks. Halloween should be about passing out candy, not just passing out. More than anything, Halloween should be about costumes.
Over the last couple of years, I have been quite disappointed at the costumes worn by my peers. Amid the sheer numbers of Jedis, Batmen and Burger Kings, I saw almost no interesting or creative costumes last year. It got so bad I actually had to figure out the plural form of the word Jesus (Jesi). Come to think of it, there were about as many Burger Kings as there were Jesi. Hmm.
Oh, sure, there were a few really good costumes, such as Powdered Toast Man, a kissing booth (oh, how I wish I thought of that one), contestants from Nickelodeon's Legend of the Hidden Temple and Party Boy, a character from the television series Jackass who dances around in a thong ' an image I still can't get out of my head despite therapy, medication and a rather desperate attempt involving a plunger, a ladder and Oprah. Of course, just about all the women were dressed as a sexy police officer/firefighter/criminal/Supreme Court Justice/Martin Luther King, Jr./Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (really).
This is just sad, folks. I mean, this is our shining moment. Ohio State University has a top-ranked football team; Yale is Rory's college on Gilmore Girls; and Ohio University has a Halloween party. The least we could do, in the interest of college pride, is put a little time, effort and care into our costume selection. This year, be something inventive, creative or downright tacky. Bring back the bedsheet ghost. Dress up as the seven sins, portrayed by acting like an average college student (I wish I were joking). Instead of dressing like Darth Vader, dress as something far more sinister: A horse, Darth Flicka.
Take myself, for example. Because of my depressingly empty bank account, I'm forced to improvise a last-minute costume from my wardrobe. My freshman year saw me dress as Larry the Cable Guy, which was rather useful considering the amount of events I saw that garnered a Git R Done
which by the way is the worst catchphrase since D'oh (yeah, I said it. Come get me, America). Last year I went as Arthur Dent from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which, in all fairness and objectivity, was the greatest costume in the history of costumes. Plus I got to carry a towel.
To all you womenfolk out there, I'm legally obligated, as a red-blooded American male, to ask you to continue the sexy-whatever trend, but in the interest of creativity, why don't you mix it up a smidge? Skip the traditional occupations, such as firefighter, police officer and nurse, and try being a sexy grocery store clerk, sexy coal miner or a sexy T-Bird from Grease. Instead of being a sexy pirate or a sexy cowgirl, why not try sexy Viking, sexy ninja or sexy Chuck Norris. Skip the usual animals, like cats or dogs, and just try to pull off a sexy penguin, mole or skunk (the one costume that makes farting OK).
Remember readers, this is the one time of year when you can be whoever you want to be, when you can act out your fantasies and dreams for one beautiful evening of debauchery and vice. I hope to see you out there this Halloween. You'll be able to recognize me; I'll be the one dressed as Luke, the diner owner from Gilmore Girls. 17
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Warren Locke
