Last Tuesday evening started like any other Tuesday evening ' I was in my dorm room alone, eating sushi from the Baker Center in my boxers, watching dubbed anime on YouTube and putting off my 5-page English essay until 2 hours before it was due. Then, I received a call from Destiny. It really wasn't that special; Destiny's called me before, usually drunk and whining about his ex-girlfriend, Fate (Editor's note: He actually thinks this is funny, humor him).
But I answered the call anyway, for two reasons. Something about this phone call set off a primitive signal in the back of my brain, the part usually reserved for alerting me when a cheese steak sub is within 40 meters; instinctively, I knew it was important. Secondly, the call came from my cell phone, setting off my ringtone We Are the Champions
a ringtone my roommates have verbally expressed the desire to never hear again.
This time, Destiny called in the form of my buddy, who had urgent news for me. Considering this news came from a guy who once locked me out of my own car and drove away with my jacket caught in the door (while I was still wearing said jacket), I was tempted to ignore him. But I threw caution to the wind and followed his advice: I turned on the TV and watched President George W. Bush's State of the Union Address.
I didn't watch long; about ten minutes into it, he had a good idea, and the inherent paradox involved in Bush saying something intelligent sent me into a panic, and I had to turn off the TV. But I did watch it long enough to get an idea for this week's column. So today, for my adoring fans, I present my State of the Humor Column Address.
My fellow Americans, it is my high privilege and distinct honor to present to you a cheap, half-baked parody of our current political leader (applause). The rite of custom brings us together at a defining hour ' when punch-lines are hard and good column ideas are needed (Lord knows I'm not coming up with any). I enter the year 2007 with large endeavors underway, and others that I really need to begin, because I've put them off for a while now, and the due dates are coming up fast (applause).
In all of this, much is asked of me, particularly by my mother, who demands that I call her every week, despite the fact that she never sends me cookies (I know you're reading, Mom ' chocolate chip). I must have the will to face difficult challenges and determined enemies, particularly the Cashier Girl, mainly because it cracks me up when she posts my column on the cash register at Nelson Market whenever I mention her (applause).
I admit, some of my past plans haven't worked out as I had hoped. My unique style of wit and usage of obscure references have yet to win me the heart of the attractive girl in one of my classes. She knows who she is. I have also failed in my ultimate goal, the one that drives me every day since I started writing this column: The dream that someday, somehow, I will have more hate mail than any other humor columnist in the country (applause). To date, I've only received a total of one angry e-mail, several instances of hostility at my local market and one e-mail from a girl who said my writing was juvenile, then asked for my picture (I'm still confused about that one).
Despite these setbacks, I still hammer away, because I have accomplished some of my goals. My dating advice column is still, in all objectivity and fairness, one of the finest things ever printed, ranking up there with such invaluable works as the Bible, The Gettysburg Address, and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (applause).
But there is still much work to be done. That being said, I swear, upon the humor columnist's bible (any Dave Barry book), to poke fun at any national event, be it political or celebrity related, national or local, so long as I don't have to leave my dorm room to make fun of it. I promise to poke fun at the fact that, despite being one of the most popular shows on television, Grey's Anatomy is basically Ally McBeal, except less funny (applause). I promise to point out that the best part of the Super Bowl will likely be a beer commercial (and no, I don't care that Prince is performing, because I just know there'll be another wardrobe malfunction, and I don't need to see that).
This is a decent and honorable column ' and mildly clever, too. We've been through a lot together. We've met challenges and faced dangers (cough, cough, Cashier girl, cough), and we know that more lie ahead. Yet we can go forward with confidence ' because the State of my column is slightly stronger than wet paper towels, my cause in the world is right and today that cause goes on, if only because my editor can't find anyone else. Dave Barry bless (applause). 17
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Warren Locke
My fellow readers, I present the State of the Humor Column
