Unconfirmed reports from untrustworthy sources say the shift to Daylight Saving Time has finally ripped the space-time continuum.
Uncle Sam has been tinkering with time since World War I and now his hand must have stuck up the gears. This year, Daylight Saving Time started three weeks earlier and will end a week later than in previous years. Moving the date forward brought the time change perilously close to another anomaly: February 29.
The push from Leap Day and the pull from Daylight Saving Time were apparently too much for the continuum, and it stopped continuing. Americans will be doomed to off-kilter circadian rhythms and mild grogginess forever if we do not right this unpatriotic wrong.
Like Betsy Ross sewing stars on the first American flag, so must we stitch the rift in space-time. We must take up the needle of freedom and cross-stitch liberty from one coast to another. Only then will our nation and timepieces be free.
Americans must turn back the clock on Daylight Slaving Time and abolish it forever.
DST supporters are now jumping on the Green Bandwagon, claiming that adding an extra hour of sunlight means light bulbs will stay off an extra hour and energy costs will go down.
Our good friend science will be the judge of that.
In 1975, the U.S. Department of Transportation concluded the daylight saving shift would reduce energy costs by 1 measly percent. But a year later, the National Bureau of Standards reviewed the government's original study and concluded the savings were nearly balanced out by pre-dawn energy use.
A study released in February by two professors from the University of California at Santa Barbara shines even brighter light on the problem. When Indiana thought it was joining the civilized world by switching to DST in 2006, these professors compared electricity bills from years before and after the shift. So far, their observations suggest DST actually increases energy consumption by 1 percent to 4 percent.
Oh, but you better believe non-switchers such as China and India smile at America's economic cost attributed to the annual switch. A 2000 study in The American Economic Review claimed America lost $31 billion on the stock exchanges alone because of the time change.
Microscopic energy savings couldn't put a dent in that $31 billion.
Daylight Saving Time is costing America time and billions. Put it to bed.
Ultimately, Daylight Saving Time is an evil that does not have the fear and immediacy of a terrorist attack or a Hillary Clinton White House. The space-time continuum will likely heal itself, as it has so many times, and our bodies will adjust to the arbitrary shift.
But the question why? lingers; why do we still practice this archaic and silly ritual?
The pointy finger of blame is aimed directly at 7-Eleven. Believe it or not, the convenience store king has been a strong advocate for Daylight Saving Time since the mid-1980s. All that extra heat from the Sun translates into big Slurpee sales. Fortune magazine predicted an extension of DST would lead to $30 million additional profit for 7-Eleven. So when Daylight Saving Time came to the attention of Congress in 2005 for renewal, 7-Eleven led the charge and expanded DST another month to its current length.
So while our legislators have brain freeze, the public is left out in the cold once again in favor of special interests.
America must end this time-shifting experiment once and for all. Our bodies will be healthier, our coffers will be stuffed and the greedy corporate pigs at 7-Eleven will go to bed knowing the American government cannot be bought with day-old hot dogs.
Chris Yonker is a senior journalism major. Set your clocks to cy129904@ohiou.edu
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Chris Yonker
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Chris Yonker
