There is no way to stop kids from getting high.
At first, our war on drugs targeted the foreign devils who were importing evil narcotics.
Keep those evil drugs out of our pure country
we yelled.
But the enemy inched closer. Before you knew it, dealers were pushing their drugs behind gas stations and on our street corners.
Keep our streets clean was the rally that followed. Americans thought they had scored a big victory with their drug awareness, erecting symbolic walls around the protective family home.
The drugs were getting closer and closer to our kids, but we thought that as long as we kept our kids in our homes, they would be safe. Little did we know the six bottles of cough syrup on the grocery list were being used way beyond the recommended dosage.
Now everyone has to show ID every time he or she buys Robitussin. Problem solved.
We thought that had to be the end. We caught the fox in the hen house and rested easy at night, knowing our kids were hooked only on gummy bears and violent video games.
But at this very second, in your very house, your children are brewing the next great drug craze in their very
own bodies.
The drug is called Jenkem, and it is also known as butt hash.
Jenkem is created by fermenting human sewage. The user huffs the methane byproduct and experiences a high for about an hour with auditory and visual hallucinations. In a BBC report, 16-year old Luke Mpandre said he thinks Jenkem is the best drug out there.
With glue I just hear voices in my head. But with Jenkem
I see visions. I see my mother who is dead and I forget about the problems in my life
he said.
A fifth grader in Zambia told a reporter from the Inter Press Service Old man
this is more potent than cannabis.
So how do we keep this drug in our toilets and out of our kids' hands? Parents, you're the first line of defense. Wait up for your kids at night and refuse to let them go to bed without smelling their breath. The Achilles Heel of Jenkem users is their telltale bad breath, an aftertaste from the drug that lasts for days.
But short of losing sleep or corking your son or daughter's rear end, what can you do? As a guardian, you are legally bound to provide the essential nutrition that inevitably winds up as Jenkem. No matter if you cook a healthy meal or order out for pizza, the end result is always the same: butt hash.
So it appears we have failed, America. Our war on drugs seemed righteous in the beginning. All we wanted was to protect our children's innocence and now they're sniffing their own poop. I'd almost prefer kids getting high the old-fashioned way.
We thought chugging cough syrup was the worst thing a kid could do, and look what happened. If we criminalize Jenkem, I shudder to think what drug kids will come up with next.
No, the only way to get your kids to stop doing Jenkem is to do it yourself. Your teenager thinks anything you do is automatically uncool. Leave your fermenting jars around the house and casually drop lines like Oh man
Jenkem is so bodacious or Dude
I wish I were butt hashing now.
Your kids will never touch Jenkem again.
Chris Yonker is a senior journalism major. If you're having a bad trip, send him an e-mail at cy129904@ohiou.edu.
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