There's nothing like a good conservative power trip.
A conservative power trip decimates the land, ripping out harmful personal freedoms where they have taken root after years and years in the fertile soil of our checks and balances.
Liberal reforms are always filled with fanciful delights just out of reach. Let everyone vote in our democracy
health care for all help the underprivileged; it's all too easy. Of course you'll get bipartisan support for something everyone can get behind.
The real challenge lies in taking away Americans' precious freedoms.
In the past few years, American conservatives scored our biggest victory yet when we snuffed out cigarettes, eliminating public smoking in many states, including Ohio.
If American allegiance can shift away from King Tobacco, one of our oldest and dearest friends, perhaps our fear-mongering scare tactics can work on some other apparently harmless freedom.
I say we start with motorcycles.
Motorized bicycles have always been one of my many banes. They are loud, unsafe and carry the type of unsavory character unfit to be mentioned in sacred newspaper print.
Motorcyclists zoom by with their exhausts spitting out some of the most vile fumes known to man. I mean, we banned cigarettes because we don't like the way our clothes smell after a night at a smoky bar. Is motorcycle exhaust any different? Swing by the Smiling Skull Saloon at closing time and you'll be begging for some secondhand smoke.
All we need is a little science on our side. As long as a recent study can be molded to fit our gains, we'll have complete legitimacy. Take the information out of context and we'll have a full-blown movement.
It's a call to arms, science: Get your finest laboratory rats huffing bike exhaust and see how quickly the tumors roll in. Soon enough, Motorcycles cause cancer will be plastered on every newspaper from here to the shores of Tripoli.
Motorbikes are not only clogging up our lungs; they're clogging up parking as well. In a town such as Athens that is having parking problems, can we really afford the spaces allotted to motorcycles? Don't tell me you haven't driven down President Street and cursed the two giant motorcycle spots outside Copeland Hall. Think of the glorious cars that could take their place. It could even be yours.
That's it, feel the jealousy flow inside you. Soon your transformation to the Republican side will be complete. See how the potential subjugation of people can lead to a very small increase in your quality of life?
Banning motorcycles is just a drop in the bucket, really. The power trip itself is more important than whatever we ban. It was cigarettes yesterday and it could be motorcycles today, but the beauty of the conservative power trip movement is that nothing is sacred. If cigarettes and motorcycles can be banned, maybe puppy dogs and smiles will be next.
The lesson for today is: If it annoys you, it can be banned. As the victors, we are the ones who will write history. Will it be a history full of smoke and noise, brought on by the horseless monstrosity of the motorcycles? Or will the future hold the peace and quiet we all need for our afternoon naps?
Chris Yonker is a senior journalism major.
Exhaust him at cy129904@ohiou.edu.
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Chris Yonker
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