Here's the thing ' we're not all clever.
I hate to be the one to point this out. Some of us have that gift to deliver well-timed sitcom jokes, instant insults, a clever non sequitur.
But, from what I hear, you're not of those people.
And so, I need to ask you to stop. Please, cease and desist trying to formulate funny Facebook statuses, clever away messages or pithy Gmail statuses.
Please.
I know that you've been trying very hard, collecting some witty song lyrics, a Dane Cook joke, a drunken quote that seemed ' and I emphasize seemed ' just entirely droll after three Naughty Librarians and a shot of tequila. Maybe you quote Family Guy or The Simpsons or The Office and you hope to stand out in the crowd.
You don't. We all know those lines.
Other times, you choose irony. The middle-class white kid at Ohio University quoting 50 Cent? Hilarious. Telling the world that you're slaying dragons instead of heading to Poli Sci. Yeah, we get it.
Just don't use this as an opportunity to embrace another dreadful habit: the cataloguer. You know, the friends who detail their day by the hour for all of us to see. Class, 11-1, lunch, test (hope I do well). Unless you're an in-demand surgeon, police officer, fireman, superhero, former governor's call girl, etc., we don't need to know where you are between noon and 1 p.m. We'll just call.
But, unfortunately, there's more. I heard that you also like to use away messages and the like as a means of passive aggressive dialogue. I wish SOMEONE would take out the trash.
None of us want to know about your trash problems. Listen. Just walk the four feet to your roommate's desk and ask them to take out the trash. And your neighbors will not turn down their terrible music at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday because of your hostile away message. In fact, if they see it, they might just turn the volume up on Rihanna.
One more thing: relationship drama. The No goodbyes and pissed and I can't believe you gave me herpes ' enough. Just call them. Or toilet paper their house. Or barge into their workplace and scream at them. Or take penicillin.
You know what? It might just be easier to stop writing anything.
Justin Thompson is a senior journalism major. Send him an e-mail at jt315004@ohiou.edu.
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Justin Thompson
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