This column goes out to all the mother$%&*#@$, bleepers and *%$&-licking censors.
Today we honor the expurgators for all their party-pooping efforts in our nation's struggle against indecency.
I remember it was only yesterday when Lucille Ball could not use the word pregnant on the air. And we had better thank our lucky stars she was stopped. Teenagers in the 1950s had a monkey see
monkey do problem just as they do today. Seeing their favorite television star use the abominable word almost certainly started a second baby boom.
Today, television is drastically different. We can use the word ass to describe the rear end of our anatomy, but try to reference the hidden sphincter, and you'll get a nice whiff of bleep.
- and for some reason we value the illusion of our children's innocence more than we enjoy gratuitous nudity and gritty realism in dramas.
Problem is, we've stepped all over the rights of children before without a second thought. I mean, tell me nap time isn't an adult code word for smoke break. Adults even force babies to sleep in a cage, or what they call a crib.
As soon as they escape this temporary prison, it is the television censor's job to ration what information the youngsters absorb. Happiness and puppy dogs: in. Footlong hot dogs and well-placed whipped cream: out.
If we limit the thought of today's children, think of the long-term impact. If our censors do their job right, children won't learn about sex. Ever. Children of both sexes can live and work in perfect harmony with each other because sex won't get in the way of clogging up a good friendship.
Murder, too, will be a thing of the past. No longer will we weep over the early departure of a loved one due to such pointless violence. Kids of tomorrow just won't know how to kill. They'll see the bodies with pools of blood at the beginning of Law and Order, but how or why the blood leaks will remain a mystery.
Perhaps my favorite consequence of extreme censorship is the elimination of nudity. From now on, people will be clothed at all times. I thought we had lost shame forever, what with Girls Gone Wild commercials and innuendo selling anything from beer to lip balm. But with censors working hard on sex, nudity is sure to follow.
After all, people get naked only for sex and bathing. We have the technology of bathing suits, which allow us to shower without becoming fully nude, so cutting out sexual relations would finally bring us to a non-nude world.
Oh, thank you censors for crafting a world where we can all live morally. You protect us from everything that makes life scary and know what is best for us. Please continue to guide us through the questionable questions and on to everlasting joy basking in the warming glow of our televisions.
Chris Yonker is a senior journalism major. Censor yourself before hitting send to cy129904@ohiou.edu.
17
Archives
Chris Yonker
200805208152midsize.jpeg
