Dear Athens,
It's that time of year again! We're entering Athens' cougar hunting season. No, we are not hunting the feline species. I am referring to a cougar, an older woman who scours bars looking to hook up with younger men. Cougars are also known as hot moms or milfs. But don't be fooled. The hunting goes both ways. This weekend, thousands of cougars will descend upon Athens in search of their next kill: that hot, young or fratastic collegian male. I call them cougar bait. All hail cougars and cougar bait. This is your chance to go hunting or be hunted. Go ahead, you know you want to.
Like you haven't.
Well, you probably haven't. But your mom, son or boyfriend probably has. Nasty. I adapt the words Julia Allison once said: Cougar moms have more money, more maturity and less daddy. Let the advantages to hunting cougars commence.
The following is my advice to the cougar bait, the young male. To spot a cougar, hit up a Court Street bar and find that mom who borrowed her daughter's too-short skirt with a sequined, too-tight halter-top. She, my friend, is a grade-A cougar. If you're lucky, you'll find a single mom. They are the most cougartastic and are the most eager predators. You say too much skin? A cougar mom says, While the husband is away
I'm ready to play. Standards? Why bother. Not this weekend. And I offer you a bit more advice. To be prime cougar bait, make yourself look like an older, more mature version of yourself. That's not a problem for that ++ber-hot prof, a definite cougar magnet and potential cougar chaser. Throw on a crisp button-down shirt and douse yourself with the fictional, FDA-approved Cougar Scent. As chronicled in the Austin Probe, Cougar Scent is a new cologne thatG?has been scientifically designed to help younger men attract older women. The manufacturer has been making dreams come true since 2000 never.
Think cougar hunting is a myth? One of my best friends gathered his two closest buddies and went cougar hunting during Moms Weekend of 2007. They called it Operation Motherf^%$#@. The boys dressed up and headed uptown to scout cougar moms. After prowling around three different bars, they returned home fully disappointed and empty-handed. Even though the operation was not a success, one did kiss a cougar after buying her a drink. The same guy got extra points for getting with the cougar's daughter. Scandal! And now he's a legend. Awkward. Oh, the thrill of the hunt.
Let's not forget about the cougar moms. They shamelessly prey on college guys while downing cougar juice such as Cougar Royale, a mix of vodka and Hpnotiq. On Moms Weekend, all girls should watch their boyfriends because it would be simply terrible if they were captured for the night by a cougar mom. To protect yourself and your assets, you must recognize the signs of a cougar on the prowl. When they're ready to pounce, the cougar will make eye contact and proceed to swagger over to the nearest, unsuspecting male. Perhaps a drink will be bought or shared and they will discuss something provocatively scandalous and inappropriate as the cougar's daughter looks on. After all, she is probably a cougar-in-training. Take notes, my friend. After being hit on, ego-tripping cougars will surreptitiously pass their OU Inn room keys to their thirsty prey. This has the makings of an entertaining Sunday morning.
Think you might miss the fallout of cougar hunting season this weekend? Don't worry, that is not possible. The results of cougar hunting season will be on prominent display. Saturday night is the peak season, so expect cougars and their daughters to be getting sick outside Pigskin. Expect to see much more than you're used to at the C.I. My 10 bucks says the Junction will run out of its punch and Pawpurr's will run out of its blackouts. Expect to see cougars gnawing on Goodfellas like the pizza was a fresh cougar bait kill. Foul. The season's results are maxed on Sunday morning. Picture this: cougar bait (or some unrestrained cougar moms) taking the dreaded walk of shame, everyone's favorite sign of a scandal.
Cougar bait, be advised. Your cougar hunting will not go without consequence. I promise that when you see your cougar's daughter sitting next to you in class, you are both going to feel more than slightly uncomfortable. Like you would care. After all, your cougar hunting was worth it, right? That night at the OU Inn was worth it and you have the battle scars to prove it. Just make sure the cougar is not your roommate's mom. Yes, this has happened right here in Athens and has ruined at least one brotherly bond. Will you take out the trash? No but I'll take out your mom! Oh no.
Anyone who thinks Vegas is scandalous has not been to Moms Weekend. Get ready for a lifetime of cringe-worthy memories. Everyone loves a good scandal. Yes, Virginia, cougar hunting season really does exist.
Enjoy! My work here is done.
Love,
Your Favorite Cougar-in-Training
(Rawr)
Emily Smith is a senior marketing major. Send her your favorite cougar-hunting story at es303004@ohiou.edu.
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