Welcome, strange travelers of this place called Athens! To those of you who have never before graced these greens, I look forward to judging you from afar ' not maliciously, mostly just out of boredom. For those of you who are returning, I can't believe you decided to wear that shirt for the first day of school. Those colors are so totally last winter; try forest green, it'll bring out your eyes and tone down your rub-on tan.
Now, if everything goes according to plan this coming week, you'll get moved in, find all your classes, buy books that are priced to be equal in market value to rock cocaine and you'll be introduced to dorm food. The toilet thanks you.
But who here thinks just moving in furniture and clothes during an Athens heat wave is boring? Show of hands?
Well, goodness. That's even more of you than I expected.
But Nick
you ask, how do you the pinnacle of human evolution make moving in interestinginstead of making it just manual labor?
The same way you make anything interesting, Pinky! By turning a mundane, everyday task into an opportunity to wreak havoc. Or just cause mild chaos and disorder. Don't stress yourself trying to think of ways to make that happen. I've compiled a handy list of possibilities.
If at all possible, smuggle a go-go dancer into your room, hidden in your bed sheets. When your mom leaves to use the bathroom ten minutes after she went the first time, leaving you and your dad conspicuously alone in your room so he can warn you not to bring home any girls in a family way, have the dancer burst out and start singing Lady Marmalade. Relax and try to watch your dad explain the situation away to your mom. Bonus points if it's a Chippendale.
If you move in before your roommate, hide IV drip bags full of blood in the micro fridge. If you're squeamish, have no fear! Corn syrup, water, red food coloring and just a hint of blue food coloring (for texture) mix for a very passable substitute. When he arrives and realizes there's no room left in the fridge for his Natty Light and asks you, What's the deal with the
uh ... blood
bra? just smile and reassure him that it's only pig's blood. Tastes better than cow blood
and it's less filling
bra.
For those of you with roommates who are familiar with The Game (which we all just lost by merely thinking about it): Make lots of single-sheet signs that read You just lost The Game and put them on all your roommate's clothes and on his pillow while he is at his orientation meetings and such. He will hate you for at least 20 minutes. After that, you'll just become apathetic about losing a game that is entirely intangible.
Those lucky students whose roommates are paying to play a little game called World of Warcraft ' fear not. There is hope for you yet. Simply begin leaving quests written on scrolls on your roommate's desk and pretend not to know how they got there. They must involve places like Middle-Earth and Alg++++sendorfland
and colorful species of characters including the Necr++ssenst+
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