Novelty is a good thing. Without novelty, Flying Spaghetti Monster knows we wouldn't have things we love, like Spencer's gift stores, beer mugs that burp when you set them down and bumper stickers of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes urinating on car logos.
Some of these kinds of things can retain their initial appeal and become lasting favorites. The special effects in Star Wars made it a phenomenon and the incredibly relatable, archetype-spanning plot made it stick, to the point that it will be the first film I will show my kid once he or she realizes Barney is lame and evil.
Good old Ohio University has its own little slice of novelty life, and its name is the escalator.
It sticks out to me as a large part of the tour I was given in Feb. 2007. Our tour guide seemed unnecessarily excited about it. Like
OMG this escalator is totally the only one in Athens County!
Can I just be the first one to get a woot?
I'm also told that not only is it the only one in Athens County, but the only one in southeast Ohio. The entire region. People bring their kids to ride it for the day; it's like a water park, only without the water, the wedgies or the fun.
But, alas, OU, the novelty has worn off this mechanical marvel. It's time to give the Stairmaster a little brother, for there is another location in dire need of such a property.
Jefferson Hill is the enemy of walking and must be escalator-ed in order to make it not the worst thing on campus.
I, among hundreds of other students from East Green, have to walk up that Shango-forsaken hill almost every day. I put up with it last year because I thought it would give me awesome calves, and therefore, I would be able to do the Captain Morgan stance whenever I wanted. This was not the case.
We continue to search for ways to circumvent the hill to get to class. Many have discovered the elevator (to those who haven't, go to Glidden), some go far out of their way to go up Morton Hill, and a hefty portion of us just don't go to that class sometimes. The solution is, of course, to Borg-ify the hill. We've already covered half of it with gravel so that a truck can drive down it part of the way, grass won't grow there, it's covered in weeds, rant rant rant, etc. I say we slap a mechanical monstrosity of an escalator on that puppy and do our part to contribute to the American Lazy Epidemic!
I'm just saying. Two escalators in one county, nay, one campus in southeast Ohio? Sounds like a novel idea to me.
Nick Philpott is a sophomore studying playwriting and creative writing. You know you want to e-mail him at np714907@ohiou.edu. Resistance is futile.
17
Archives
Nick Philpott
200810098938midsize.jpeg
