Have you ever been called for jury duty? It's like someone informing you that your destiny, the future waiting for you, is a boring job sitting around and judging people all the time.
FUN TIMES.
I got called last week to appear for jury selection. For those who haven't been called in Athens County, there's a very specific process: You get a questionnaire about yourself that you send in, and then you get put on call for a month, meaning they can call you on any day for that specific month and you'll be required to show up in court the next day. But when you show up the next day, it's for selection for a specific case, not to just show up and start hearing testimony.
When I got called, I immediately tried to figure out ways to get around it or to get excused quickly. Several things came immediately to mind; showing up naked, fleeing to Canada, stating that I was a conscientious objector. The method I finally came up with was to borrow a sweatshirt from my friend that says, simply, YOU'RE SCUM.
Perfect! Passive aggressive tendencies are no good in a jury trial. Every attorney knows that, lest Sam Waterston come down and teach it to them the hard way.
I didn't get to borrow the shirt, though.
When I actually arrived on Thursday morning to begin my service, I didn't want to be there. I had things to do on Thursday that I cared much more about than jury duty, like sleep and taking midterms.
Wow. I just confessed to wanting to take midterms. DO YOU SEE A PROBLEM HERE?
I tried to brainstorm, think of ways to make serving more interesting. I couldn't really relate to most of the people there, since all but one of the people there seemed to be from town, and the one who wasn't was a dude with a beard. A GREAT beard.
I felt threatened.
After we got into the courtroom, I was placed in the jury box, which meant I was one of the leading 12 candidates for jury spots, I suppose? I don't know, it seemed suspiciously arbitrary. When they began questioning us, I think the prosecuting attorney was put off by the fact that I listed Comedy Central as the television channel I watched most frequently. Also, I was wearing my What Would Batman Do? shirt. That probably threw them.
The judicial system can't be seen as condoning vigilantism in any way, you see.
They also seemed to be threatened by the fact that I wrote a column for the paper. This case could have been a media sensation! Perhaps that is why they were so quick to hustle me out of the courtroom.
As it turned out, I was one of the first two dismissed from the courtroom, along with Beard Guy. I assume they feared the beard, which I'm considering putting on T-shirts. It may have been my controversial Batman T-shirt, and it may have been the fact that I told them I had switched my voter registration back to my home city.
The world may never know.
Now to cross my fingers and hope I don't get called again this month.
Nick Philpott is a sophomore studying playwriting and creative writing. Send him feedback at np714907@ohiou.edu.
4 Opinion
Nick Philpott
