A very good friend of mine recently decided to take the plunge and propose marriage to his long-time, very steady girlfriend. He and I discussed his plan for accomplishing this for weeks, and I was one of only a handful of people to know about the plans before they went into action. When I found out that he did it, and she said yes, I obviously was very excited and happy for both of them. However, the happiness wore off when I came to the stunning realization that we're the same age, he is getting married and I can't get a normal girl to come within three feet of me.
When I brought my realization to his attention he very frankly told me that I have unrealistic expectations for what I'm looking for in women. Being a little taken aback by this, I decided to sit down and make myself a list of what I typically look for. This list is as follows, in no particular order:
-She has to be smarter than me.
This is especially tough to accomplish because I'm the smartest person I know.
-She has to have a sense of humor.
This usually means laughing at all of my jokes, regardless of their actually being funny.
-She has to be between 5'10 and 6'0.
This reason for this is that I don't like bending down. And before you give me that look, do YOU like bending down?
-She has to have almost the exact tastes in music as me.
If she doesn't like the Red Hot Chili Peppers she is automatically disqualified. EVERYBODY likes Dani California
(well, except for communists and Republicans.)
-She has to be single.
I've been known to have a bad habit of going after girls with boyfriends, and after receiving two black eyes I finally learned my lesson.
-She has to get me.
And what I mean by that is, this girl has to have an uncanny ability to know exactly what I'm thinking, if anything is wrong, figure out exactly what is wrong, and know how to fix it immediately. All of this has to be done without my saying a word. I don't consider this to be unfair because this is what girls have been assuming guys can do for centuries. It's a two-way street, ladies.
So after making and studying this list for what seemed like days, I tallied up the results of what I was looking for in a woman. The result is startling. I'm looking for a single, abnormally tall valedictorian with comedic aspirations after finishing college that I met at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. After meeting me at the concert she immediately knew what I was feeling about her and feeling the same way, she made the first move.
Obviously there aren't exactly many women like this walking around here, so what am I to do? Change my focus? Change my tastes? Yes, you say? Well, OK, but let me know if you know anybody that fits that description.
Stephen Pirovolos is a senior studying political science. He is currently accepting girlfriend applications at sp102805@ohiou.edu. 4
Opinion
Stephen Pirovolos
