Disclaimer: I do not reference men as compared to women, rather, as compared to boys.
Help! The toilet is overflowing and I am unable to both stop the water and unclog the pipe is what helpless babies yell when they find themselves in said predicament.
A man would not only never find himself in this situation, as he would understand the appropriate amount of paper to use in order to avoid clogging, he would also know where to find the valve to shut off the water and how to use a plunger to remove the blockage without spilling an ounce of fecal matter.
Men are capable.
In the modern age, all men should carry certain abilities in their metaphorical tool belt.
Exhibit A: All men should know how to cook. I mean the heating process by which food ceases being poisonous and becomes delicious. Benefits of preparing your own food include saving money on take-out and not dying from starvation.
Aside from prolonging your survival (surviving is very manly), ladies love a man who can cook. You say to her, Would you like to save me food and gas money by coming over to my house for dinner? I will light candles and we will sit about 20 feet from my bedroom
and she hears, Yada yada yada. Would you like to come over for a romantic candle-lit dinner at my place? I will sweep you off your feet.
Everyone wins.
Exhibit B: You are driving and your tire suddenly goes flat. Oh no! yells the not-yet-a-man sitting next to you. What will we do?
Don't worry you say, I am a man. Men know how to act in emergency situations. They remain calm. They have a few phone numbers memorized, like 9-1-1. They can even replace their own flat tire - or call AAA for help.
Men have confidence, and nothing says confidence like chest hair - or dancing.
Exhibit C: A man can dance. Since most people cannot, when a man asks someone to dance and does a little leading - maybe throws in a spin - he has to be alert for any signs of faintness from his undoubtedly astonished partner.
But she need not worry. A man like that knows CPR and is always looking to practice his mouth-to-mouth.
The list goes on. But you don't have time for that. You have man things to do, babies to save from burning buildings filled with wolverines - things like that.
Just remember this: The first step toward being a man is being capable.
- Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Address your questions about manliness to him at ab279708@ohiou.edu
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Alex Bill
