Men laugh during movies.
Not that obnoxious guffaw or 'laugh-track, golf-clap of a laugh that makes me wish I had ordered extra hot butter on my popcorn before I throw it at you' laugh, but polite, genuine laughter.
Men smuggle in as much outside food and drink into a movie theater as they can. They also spend an unnecessarily long amount of time planning how they will do so. Afterward, they feel like James Bond or Batman. Note: Men do not do this for the purpose of breaking rules. They do this as a subtle blow against the tyrannical scam that is the movie-theater, snack-bar monopoly. They do this for justice.
Men sit in the front row and never complain about neck cramps even though they may feel them.
If you want to watch a movie on a large screen from a reasonable distance, you can do that in your rich friend's basement. You go to the theater for the neck cramps ... and the noise your shoes make when they stick to that unidentifiable (thankfully) goo on the floor.
Should you have to make out during a movie, keep it to that. I can watch porn at home. I came here to see Harry Potter.
Further, make out in the back row of a bad movie that has already run for a week or two. You get the nostalgic, I-used-to-do-this-in-high-school atmosphere and I get my movie. If you just want the exhibitionist thrill, try a nude beach.
Men do not need to fight about armrests. They either let natural man selection choose who gets it, they share or they put it up and hold hands.
Feel free to cry. But keep it to tears and sniffles. I don't want your whimpers to get my tear ducts going.
Men pee before the movie.
You are allowed to watch a matinee.
I am not here to watch you make mini shadow puppets on your cell phone. You can text when the movie ends, or you can try to use the bathroom's hand dryers to dry my cola off your phone.
Not enough money to go to the movies? Try the stage theater (free to OU students) and feel fancy and cultured, things men are. Similar rules apply, but you are allowed to clap and make loud whistling noises at the end.
Men: It is No-Shave November. Give it a try. Ladies, feel free to join us.
3 Culture
Alex Bill
32942a.jpg
