Jess Neidhart • For The Post
Looking good isn't hard for me. I know not everyone was born with these genes, but I still keep up.
Every day - break of dawn - I'm there at the gym just pumping. I just get in the zone, man. It's just me, the iron and my brawn. My arms don't fit in normal sleeves so I cut them off. No reason to hide the goods, right? I don't know, if I get really warm, or the chicks get really hot, I usually just take my shirt off. Besides, there's no reason to hide these washboard abs.
After I drink my whey protein, I hit the showers. I can't be smelling all funky, bro. I swipe the AXE under my cavernous man-arm pits and gel my hair, get dressed. I like to think I look pretty fly - I mean, come on, women can't resist this. A pale blue polo shirt against my tanning-bed-achieved summer glow, pre-ripped, pre-bleached, Hollister Co. jeans, I'm done.
I'm also not ashamed to say that I manscape. My chest needs to be hairless, you know, smooth - just like the ladies like it. When a woman strokes my finely chiseled pecks, they don't need to feel like they're patting my head, dude. She has fingers, not a hairbrush. Or at least that's what I say, bro.
You see, I'm a nice guy. I know that the ladies spend all this time putting her face on and stuff, so I try to put a little bit of effort in too. It's just fair. I like good-looking ladies, and they like good-looking men. And I deliver.
That's it.
Peace, bro.
Rosie Haney is a junior studying journalism and a columnist for The Post. Need someone to spot you? Hit Rosie up at mh317008@ohiou.edu.
The secret to looking good is to look like you do not care if you look good. However, this takes a considerable amount of time.
Do not work out at the gym. Do not do any physical activity to stay fit or slim down. Instead, take up chain smoking and cut back on eating. Eat only organic food; it is totally worth the money to keep those preserved toxins out of your system and it will make you look like you have a purpose behind the meal that you are forcing yourself to eat.
When you dress yourself, irony is key. Wear colors that do not match and styles that went out of style for a reason. Anything plaid or argyle is accepted and encouraged. Your shoes need to be worn in to the point that they should be thrown away - only then are they acceptable to wear.
The purpose of hair is to be everywhere, especially in your face. This emphasizes that fact that you just do not care. Its purpose is to make a statement. It doesn't really matter what that statement is, just so long as you are making it.
Everything is about stating something. Wear ironic T-shirts, scarves, obnoxious colored leggings and never, ever forget your messenger bag. Your accessories make your outfit; the more ridiculous, the better.
I highly recommend shopping at American Apparel or thrift stores. The good thing about this merchandise is that you can combine styles and no one will know what came from where. But that's my opinion, not that I really care what you look like, as long as you turn heads, but not mine.
Jess Neidhart is a junior studying English and Spanish and a columnist for The Post. Farmers Market anyone? E-mail her at jn250307@ohiou.edu.
4 Opinion
Rosie Haney
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