As a male here on campus, I can’t help but be a little disturbed at the common slang for men’s testicles here on campus. The terms “nuts,” “balls” and the like just seem unappealing. And if they seem unappealing to me, I can only wonder how they may seem in the eyes of our female colleagues here on campus who, let’s be honest, we all try to impress. Is there any other term that we can coin to replace these disgusting terms?
Sincerely,
Fern-gullies
Dear Fern-gullies,
I spent my entire Memorial Day Weekend answering your question. Thank you for what ended up being hours of entertainment. Though these are not necessarily more appealing than “balls,” they are definitely alternatives:
Testicles, testes, cajones, snake eyes, cock-tails, choosy mothers, sauce bags, D 20s, man marbles, Golden Globes, doughnut holes, the two suns of Tatooine, Gordian knots, natural parachutes, your Boccis, gravy boats, Voltorbs, sac buddies, croutons, elephant ears, Gran Rancheros, ugly fruits, spark plugs, two cahoots, boom-booms, McNuggets, your Matt Damons, matzah balls, humunga dungas, sweet onions, black pearls, Ghostbusters, new moons, salt shakers, whiskey stones, your seven-ten split, pants bobbers, space dots, Thelma and Louise, the royal treatment, sugar lumps, man berries, the twins, huevos fritos, jiblets, tallywhackers, molehills, baritones, two bits, Klingons, candy apples, off-limits piñata, potato sac, fuzzy dice and lucky bits, to name a few.
I cannot, in good conscience, recommend that you use any of those in an intimate setting, but I do hope you realize how much power we have to create meaning through otherwise unrelated words.
If you find yourself trying to impress someone while talking about your balls, first walk away and then change your life. Not everything is supposed to sound appealing. Balls exist; we need a way to talk about them. Stop worrying your robin’s eggs and remember that if you can communicate well, people won’t hear what you say, they’ll hear what you mean.
Make good choices. Enjoy your summer.
Alex Bill is a junior studying criminology and sociology.
Of course there is. Just don’t be a prick, or a dick or anyone named Richard for that matter.
It would be the tits if everyone stopped throwing around slang for goodies. But it has become so common that it would take a balls-to-the-wall kind of effort.
If you want to replace the slang, then do it.
But no more mailing packages, eating Italian sausage, or ordering late-night “drunk” food at the Uptown Munchbox buggy for you — not even a hot dog. It might even keep you from being chubby.
Getting girls onto your magic wand is trickier than speaking like a gentleman; you gotta act like one too, ding-a-ling. Yes, talking about schweddy balls is unattractive and there are a few laugh-jerking comedies that girls might skip, but equally nasty are girls who talk constantly about their coochies.
In the game of euphemisms, it is an equal playing field and every word is fair game.
If you ever want access through a female’s iron curtains, then hold a door open. Plan a romantic date to the zoo and see some beavers. After she pulls an all-nighter studying, butter her muffin for her.
If you really wish to impress her, just show her the family jewels.
Anyone who keeps their mind in the gutter long enough can make mountains out of molehills. Girls and guys can either dive right in or hit the sheets when it comes to using slang.
Would it be worse if we instead said testicles, penis, vagina and breasts?
Steph Doan is a junior studying journalism.
