Hello there! Welcome to the world of Pokémon! My name is Oak! People call me the Pokémon Prof! This world is inhabited by creatures called Pokémon! For some people, Pokémon are pets. Others use them for fights. Myself, I study Pokémon as a profession.
But that’s enough about me. What is your name?
That ... that isn’t really your name, is it? No. You can’t use that as a name. Pick something else.
“RYAN,” is it? Much better. Wonderful to meet you, RYAN. Now then, this is my grandson. He’s been your rival since you were a baby. Hmm, what was his name again?
Oh, for — this is a children’s game, for heaven’s sake! That is absolutely disgusting! You know what, no. You’ve lost your naming privileges. BLUE, OK? His name is BLUE. Jesus, I need a drink.
Right. OK, so. Your very own Pokémon legend is about to unfold! A world of dreams and — hey, where are you going? I wasn’t finished with the speech, I had this whole thing written up ... Wait, are those vomit stains on your shirt? You really do not look like a 10 year old.
All right, fine. That woman downstairs is your mother, by the way, so you should probably stop trying to give her your number. Just head outside and ... Yes, that bright light in the sky is called the sun. Have you never been outside before? It doesn’t look like you’ve shaved in, well, ever, and your skin is so pale it looks like expired yogurt. Maybe you should give it a few minutes, let the hangover wear off.
To your north, you’ll see the tall grass marking the exit to town. I wouldn’t get so close; it’s dangerous without a Pokémon to protect you! In retrospect, it does seem kind of silly to let wild monsters roam around our roads unchecked, but I guess that’s what we get for having a police force made up entirely of teenage girls. Hey, I told you not to get so close! There’s a Rattata right —
Jesus Christ! Where did you even get a gun?! Yes, I know it was “coming right at you,” but you can’t just shoot a Pokémon! Because it’s horrible, that’s how come! Does this look like Grand Theft Freaking Auto to you? No, there aren’t any prostitutes in Pallet Town!
Oh my god. Put the fishing pole away, you are nowhere near water. Look, can you just come to my lab so you can get your first Pokémon and get out of here already?
Good lord, you look even worse up close. And that smell! It’s like a toxic waste dump gave birth to a dead raccoon. When was the last time you washed those pants? No, just — just keep them on, please.
Here are the three Pokémon you can choose from: Charmander, the fire type, Squirtle, the water type — What are you doing? Put those back, you can’t have all of them. You have to pick one. Look, I can see you slipping PokéBalls down your pants. And what did I just say about the fishing pole?
That’s better. Charmander, huh? You do realize the first gym is rock — You know what? Never mind, forget I said anything. Hey, you hear that? It’s BLUE, your rival! Why, it seems he’s picked Squirtle as his very first Pokémon!
No, he is not “cheating,” and I wish you wouldn’t use so much profanity. Yes, har de har har, I’m sure you think it’s very funny that he picked the Pokémon named “Squirtle,” but I have to inform you that it has nothing to do with his performance in the, uh, bedroom. Again: children’s game, in case that wasn’t clear.
Oh my! It seems BLUE wishes to challenge you to a battle! This is an excellent learning opportunity for you. Pokémon battles are the backbone of our society, and if you want to be the greatest trainer of them all, you’ll have to learn how to strengthen your bond with your Pokémon to its fullest!
... Or you could just shoot the opponent’s Pokémon like I specifically told you not to. Screw this! I’m done. I am so done. I’m going to Unova. Have fun getting swarmed in the Zubat caves, jerk.
Ryan “Professor Oak” McAndrews is a Pokémon expert and a columnist for The Post. Should he have chosen Bulbasaur? Email him at rm287608@ohiou.edu.
