By Casper Venkman
Only Reporter at The Pest the Ghosts Will Talk To
Following the demolition of Building 26 in March, Ohio University officials have officially approved the official destruction of the remainder of The Ridges buildings — a move the university’s deceased population is calling “an outrageous affront to history.”
“The Ridges is an important part not just of Athens’ history, but of Ohio’s history,” said the ghost of Johnny “Mad-Eye” Williams, a former asylum patient whose unearthly shade stalks the former mental asylum on moonless nights. “These buildings have a lot of cultural importance to the people of this city, both the living and the dead.”
Williams currently haunts Building 23, today known as the Ridges Auditorium, where he hung himself in 1889. The auditorium is just one of the 17 heavily ghost-infested buildings that are set to be demolished throughout the 2013-14 academic year. Critics of the decision include both the Athens County Historical Society and the tormented poltergeists who’ve been spooking would-be daredevil students for decades.
“First it’s that guaranteed tuition [expletive], now this?” said the ghost of Betsy Moran, a 1907 patient who today wanders The Ridges’ halls eternally seeking her lost child. “If you ask me, the university has absolutely failed to take the opinions of the community into account.”
Moran went on to add: “By the way, have you seen a baby anywhere?”
University Spokeswoman Helen Farnsworth defended the demolition, stating The Ridges’ advanced age presented a “significant safety risk” for students and faculty.
“It is the position of the university that The Ridges buildings’ historical significance is far outweighed by their maintenance costs,” Farnsworth said in a news release. “We realize that this presents something of an inconvenience for the ghosts currently residing there, but they are welcome to start haunting more cost-efficient sections of campus.”
“Where does she expect us to go, Dirty South?” Williams asked. “That’s ghoul territory. Do we look like a bunch of ghouls to you?”
When reached for comment, the ghost of former OU student Timothy Sanders said he “doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about.”
“There’s plenty of room down here in the steam tunnels,” Sanders said. “They’re welcome to move in with me.”
