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Celeb crushes: 'utterly unattainable'

In lieu of a question this week, Kristin and Ian have decided to share their celebrity crushes.

The human race has seen some horrible tragedies in its day. But the most spine-crushingly sad one is the fact that my celebrity crush and I can never be together. In fact, she is utterly unattainable. There can never be a beautiful beachside wedding between Linda Belcher (from Bob’s Burgers) and myself.

It would be a beautiful unity of two powerful people. But, alas, she is of another dimension, one of outlines and stark colors and burger flipping. And she is married.

I am constantly upset by how sad their marriage is. I could give Linda so much more than Bob does, with his underperforming restaurant and almost assured underperformance elsewhere.

I could give her so much more.

I want to put on dinner theater with her. I want to help coach her children in synchronized swimming. I want to join her on a cruise to Puerto Rico. I want to trap myself in our walls to avoid her awful mother when she visits. I want her to worry about me while I’m a hostage in a bank robbery. I want Bob’s Burgers to be named Ian’s Burgers. I want her more than anything.

She is the most magical being on this planet, even though she is technically not of this planet. One could say she’s out of this world. But that just makes me sad. Linda, if you’re reading this, please just give me a chance.

Ian is a junior studying journalism and a copy editor at The Post.

When asked who my celebrity crush is, I usually go through a variety of people. I name the occasional Jason Segel, Michael Buble or James Franco. But, I have to say the love of my life, the dream of my dreams and my dream man has to be Vice President Joe Biden.

Much like Leslie Knope, I have been smitten with Joe since the second I saw his piercing blue eyes and heard his plans for better reforms for women. If that doesn’t grind your gears then you’re a monster with no feelings and you must be stopped.

Some people (basically everyone I’ve told about this) might say it is a little weird for me to be so infatuated with someone who is more than 50 years older than me and to those people I say “you probably have a much healthier relationship with men than I do.” Boom. Roasted.

The fact that he exists and is the second hand of the ruler of ‘Merica, and more importantly had Amy Poehler sit on his lap — and also has shook my hand just makes me want to melt in a puddle and die. Also he loves trains. You’re so welcome.

The point is, because of this obsession, I compare any man I meet to Joe and let me tell you,  you don’t find a lot of men with his charisma at Big Mamma’s or in Econ 1030. No offense to people in that class. I’m sure you’re all babes, but I’m holding out for the real thing.

Kristin is a junior studying journalism and Culture Editor of The Post. In love with a cartoon character? Email us at  

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