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Bed Post- Ian Ording

BedPost: When it's hard getting hard

Sometimes, well most of the time, alcohol and sex don't mix.

Dear BedPost,

Drinking in Athens is obviously a popular activity so I ask this question. Why is it more difficult to get hard and cum when one is drunk?

Can it be fixed?

Dear Reader,

I would advise against doing a number of activities while under the influence of the fire water. Operating heavy machinery. Going to work. Writing columns. Alcohol makes you worse at almost everything, singing karaoke being the only known exception.

I’ll extend my warning to include intercourse.

There are a decent number of reasons for steering away from making sweet passionate love after several White Russians, the chief one being hazy lines in the realm of consent. I won’t get too far in-depth, but I’ll just mention that people tend to not make the best decisions when drunk. The easiest way to avoid such a debacle is to keep your member out of someone else when you two are drunk. Just get her number and try to set something up in your dorm between classes.

The second reason is: You’ll just embarrass yourself. If there’s enough ethanol coursing through your veins, no amount of fondling or kissy facing is going to stiffen your flesh shaft. You’ll pass her in Porter on your way out of Psych 1010 and your face will redden with shame. This is easily avoided.

The solution? Maybe don’t get so drunk your dick doesn’t work. It’s hard to recommend drinking to the point of losing any bodily function, and this is not where I start. And if you do get that drunk, be on the prowl for a burrito, not some booty.

Ian Ording is a senior studying journalism and copy chief of The Post.

There’s just something about that alcohol thing that makes your member a little inebriated, too. If you’ve reached the point where you’re stumbling and slurring your words — you’ve just lost some control of your nervous system, friend. Your boner (or lack thereof) is just as alarmed as you are.

I don’t have much experience in handling a penis that’s attached to my own body, but if you’ve reached the point where you shouldn’t be driving, calling your mother to chat, or composing text messages, you probably should keep your genitals at bay. It lacks just as much sense as you do. You’re not going to be able to coax it into sex, and your partner probably isn’t going to want to watch you try.

The reason why your member remains limp after several drinks is because you’ve just dealt some abuse to your body and it’s mad at you. As much as drunk-you would like to find yourself some coitus and settle in, sober you knows the better solution is to wait until you can compose a thought aside from “sex, burritos and beer.” Follow your wise penis to your destiny and listen when it tells you no. Even if it’s embarrassing. It’s worse to watch an incredibly drunk man tug frustratingly between his legs and apologize profusely. Take the gentleman’s way out and put your pants back on.

Emma Ockerman is a sophomore studying journalism and local editor for The Post.

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