With unhappiness in college rising, analysts prescribe a “more fun” font to be the standard for essays.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With countless studies showing happiness rates drastically declining within universities across the nation, the U.S. Department of Education has been left with a problem that cannot be left to rest. Complaints from college students and their families have been correlating unhappiness with the stress of a college education, and many are questioning whether the insane amount of crippling student debt is actually worth it at all. The Department of Education has made the decision that Comic Sans will be the new standard font for all essays and papers to try and fix this problem.
“We want to make college a fun and welcoming experience,” Delegated Deputy Secretary John King recently told reporters. “Times New Roman just looks so scary and sad. If students begin writing their research papers in Comic Sans, we think it would erase all the pain.”
Joseph Conaty, senior policy advisor to the deputy secretary, said, “We have talked to the standard officials of MLA, APA and Chicago Style, and we have come to a mutual agreement. A change in font must be made.”
The decision has sparked controversy. The president spoke about it in a recent speech.
“America is based upon the principles of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” President Barack Obama said Wednesday in Chicago. “And we can’t have the pursuit of happiness without joy in our education. Staring at Times New Roman is not happiness. Comic Sans is."
Republican Gov. and presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee spoke out against the decision.
“This is going against all the traditional American values we hold dear as a country,” he told his supporters. “Times New Roman is an American tradition. We can’t give up what we believe in just to make a bunch of college students happy.”
Presidential candidate Jeb Bush agreed with Huckabee’s comments.
“Now, look, it’s fine if you want to write your essays in Comic Sans," he said. "Just know that after all that college education, you’re gonna be working at McDonald’s.”
Republican candidate Donald Trump, however, disagreed with the two candidates.
“I think Jeb Bush is going easy on Times New Roman supporters because he’s written his own papers in Times New Roman,” Trump said. “Just like his wife being a Mexican, with how easy he’s going on immigrants. I mean, come on, I love Mexicans, and I love Times New Roman, but we need change to make America great again.”
College students have not been particularly affected at all.
“Great,” one Arizona State University student told reporters. “Now our papers can be taken even less seriously.”
“It’s just for the headlines,” a student from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology said. “They don’t actually care about students or education. They just want to get elected.”
The U.S. Department of Education will soon be looking into using ClipArt for professional medical papers.
Marco Omta is a freshman studying music production. What do you think of Comic Sans? Email him at mo183714@ohio.edu.
