It’s 1:55 a.m., you are chilling at a bar, sipping on a cold drink, and having an overall solid time.
Seemingly out of nowhere, your senses are assaulted. You are blinded by harsh lights and accosted by the deafening sound of bartenders screaming “finish your drinks and get out” as "Closing Time" by Semisonic plays in the background.
As you reach in your pocket to find you are down to your last ten dollars, you realize that this moment could not have come at a more perfect time; you have exactly enough cash to acquire the one thing you want most: food.
At that hour you basically have 12 options. The world is your oyster but which restaurant do you choose?
Let’s start by ruling out the places you definitely do not want to visit:
1. The Burrito Buggy
In spite of what every alumnus over 35 tells you, The Burrito Buggy is not “the best." Almost none of their food is made in house and all of it is subpar. Furthermore, it is something akin to a food truck and no matter how clean they may be, I just don’t trust food trucks.
2. Uptown Grill
This place is just plain awful: the food is nasty, overpriced and foul-tasting. On top of that, the line is almost always out of hand; you could be waiting in the cold for 15 or 20 minutes before you get a sandwich that you will immediately throw off the Richland Bridge. The only reasons anyone would even consider going to this place are: A.) they are in a full-on blackout and B.) they're a freshman going back to their dorm on West. In either case, their opinion is irrelevant. Avoid this place like the plague.
3. Insomnia Cookies
Though milk and cookies are bomb, you are drunk, not stoned. You want something deeply satisfying but no matter how much money you drop here (and you will drop a ton of cash), cookies just are not going to cut it. Besides, all those sweets will only make you feel worse in the morning. You don’t want Insomnia Cookies now!
4. O’Betty’s Red Hot!
While I grant that this place produces some dynamite dogs, I still caution any drunken food seeker against O’Betty’s. The first issue is their fries, which are pretty bad when you first get them but inedible 15 minutes later.
Secondly, the restaurant portion of this joint closes down relatively early, leaving only the takeout window. As a result, you are forced to wait in the cold for your food. This situation is worsened by the long waits you will endure both before and after you order. As a result of the combination of these factors, the already obnoxious crowd tends to get agitated and fights may break out. In fact, in my time here, I have witnessed four scuffles at O’Betty’s.
Michael O'Malley is a senior studying political science at Ohio University. How do you feel about drunk food in Athens? Email your thoughts to Michael at firstname.lastname@example.org.