A Bachelorette tale as old as time: who’s real, and who’s fake?

After Tuesday night's episode, we learned that “Tayshia is a smokeshow,” Bennett doesn’t live up to Harvard-rep and Noah looks significantly better without a mustache. Confusing, I know. Let’s recap:

The first group date went to Chasen, Montel, Ivan, Deman, Ben, Bennett, Joe and Ed. Tayshia and the contestants meet up with Ashley and Jared, Bachelor Nation's most infamous toxic couple. If you squint your eyes and turn your head, they look like siblings now.

Anywho, the guys get put to the test in the Grown Man Challenge, where the winner is crowned a “grown-ass man” and the loser dubbed a “man-child.” Clearly, the bar is on the floor, as the criteria only includes basic math and spelling — neither of which any of the men can fully accomplish.

Obviously, Harvard alumnus Bennett gets confident during the aptitude test ... only to get every single question wrong. Did we mention he went to Harvard? He spelled “limousine” wrong and couldn’t solve a first grade math addition problem. 

Pack it up, Mr. Harvard. 

Much to the chagrin of the other men, he was still crowned the “grown-ass man” title. It was certainly due to his white terrycloth robe get-up, along with the pastries and coffee he brought for Tayshia in bed. She said she loves a boujee man, so we weren’t surprised. “When Bennett kissed her, the whole room cringed,” Chasen said. “That just shows that he’s classless.”

Speaking of Chasen, he’s the first victim of the group to be accused of being on the show for disingenuous reasons. Ed speculates he is only saying what he needs to in order to stay on the show. He points out that Chasen begins using the same adjectives for Tayshia that he also used for Clare. As a result, Ed brings the information forward to Tayshia. 

Things get loud quickly as Chasen attempts to defend himself, which clearly is not his strong suit. “I’M PIVOTING,” he screams as he tries to fortify his illogical behaviors to the group. Then, Chasen makes it his mission to come up with a new, innovative way to describe Tayshia.

After 24 hours at the resort with the bros, he comes up with absolute brilliance: “Tayshia is a smokeshow.” Someone get this guy a prize or a contract with Barstool Sports

He’s so confident in his lackluster of a compliment that he continues to use it for the rest of the episode

The Ed versus Chasen beef turns into a Battle of Muscles during the wrestling group date. Chasen, who describes himself as a “fitness enthusiast” in his Instagram bio, accuses Ed of only having “glamour muscles” that look good in photos but don’t possess actual strength.

It was a long shot at first, but we all saw the truth behind Chasen’s accusations when Ed bailed out when the two were matched to wrestle. Before Ed could enter the ring, he scurried off to tell Chris Harrison about his “shoulder injury” and went on about how he can’t be injured and fight for Tayshia’s heart at the same time. 

He basically said, ”Chris, if anyone touches me, I will crumble into a pile of protein powder.” Just man up, and say it’s all glamour muscle, Ed. 

His reluctance to enter the match with Chasen not only proved himself a coward to Tayshia, but opened the door for Noah to come in and steal the rest of the episode. As Chasen stood unopposed in the ring, Chris Harrison opened the floor to any other man that was “willing to fight for Tayshia.” 

Pornstache and all, Noah comes jumping over the ring fence and into Tayshia’s heart. Chasen, with his “real muscles” and all, obviously wins. However, this doesn’t stop Tayshia from admiring Noah’s grand fence-jumping gesture and inviting him to the evening portion of the date. 

The invitation seems sweet, but she was actually on a mission. Operation: shave the mustache. 

The two get the first alone time and first make out at the cocktail party. After the kiss, it’s written all over Tayshia’s face that she’s not a fan — so much so that she urges him to shave instantly.

“It’s not that I don’t like it,” she said. “But I just wonder what you would look like without that thing.” 

Before the end of the night, Noah returns to the party with a razor to let Tayshia do the honor herself. 

He gets the group date rose in the end, the group date he wasn’t even supposed to be at. Jumping a fence and shaving a mustache clearly goes a long way in Tayshia’s book.

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