Editor’s Note: This is a piece of satire.
The pillow industry is more fraudulent than the oat milk industry—forcing over-charged, seventy-five-cent dairy alternatives at your local coffee shop.
But, when does the support turn crooked, or should I say hunched?
Propping pillows against the wall, a bed frame or flat on the bed while one rests, protrudes the head, misaligning the neck.
I reason the fault lies within Big Pillow due to their manipulation of consumers.
In digital media, television shows like "Grey’s Anatomy," unknowingly use sick patients, and even healthy ones, as a marketing ploy to upsell pillows. These patients are pressured by nurses to have their pillow(s) fluffed (aka made bigger/wider, which, again, increases the projection of a soon-to-be or preexisting hunch). Some patients are even asked to have yet another pillow. This is some of the capitalist propaganda hidden in the shows we love, persuading us to think we need pillows to be and remain healthy.
Another example of this somehow-money-bearing-toothfairy-don’t-ask-questions-the-tooth-has-to-be-under-the-pillow-like rhetoric from pillow companies is their strategic choice to make pillows white. Pillow consumption operates as a cycle: make pillow white, sell white pillow, pillow yellows, consumer needs new pillow.
The amount of intrigue about the origins of yellow and brown stains on pillows disappointingly seems to surpass any suspicious propaganda that I hope to have woken you up to.
In seventh grade, I had a teacher who was a nun. I sat all the way in the back. When she stopped lecturing abruptly, she walked first to a bookshelf, then grabbed a bible. And like a runway model, she strutted down the center of the room to face me head-on. With a clean drop, she positioned the bible under my feet as a footrest. She said it’s not good that my feet dangle. I could either use the bible or use the tips of my feet to kick it out of the way. Exceedingly insecure, I kicked that bible with spite.
Calf pain like Charley horses are a common stressor—yet, not easily preventable. Unlike Big Pillow, there are discriminatory measures taken by chair architects to seemingly leave a large group of people at discriminatory risk of Charley horses: chair height and toilet height.
The flexing that the youth as well as short people must endure while using the bathroom is about ninety-two days of their life. About ninety-two days straight on the toilet, flexing your calves.
In Morton Hall, there is a toilet where my feet hang because it is that high. While every case with toilets or chairs are not this extreme, most of the time they have to just dangle there.
My friend has been dealing with regular Charley horses. She came to me seeking an answer to her pain. I felt for her and knew it must have something to do with her new desk chair. I’d sat in this chair prior to this confrontation and boy do they dangle more than usual, so I knew hers must too. I recommended that she spend time every night stretching her calves as I do. I show her no remorse or pity further than that as she is 5’6’" and this is her first time experiencing this unspoken pain.
I slept that night on my extra-long twin bed covered by memory foam with my sore knees, tight calves and the fear of shin splints, while I laid flat and let my head sink in.
Ceci Brown is a sophomore studying media arts production at Ohio University. The views expressed in this column do not reflect those of The Post. Want to talk to Ceci about her article? Email her at cb70820@ohio.edu.
