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The Pest: How to make this Thanksgiving the best ever

Thanksgiving is officially on the horizon. For most of us, there is a feeling of excitement that comes with the prospect of great food yet is tinged with the reminder that good food means you will be seeing your family. If you’re one of the few that genuinely likes all of your family members, good for you, but Thanksgiving for the rest of us always comes with some eye rolls. If you’re looking for some ways to improve your Thanksgiving, here are some tips: 

Tell your older, religious family members that you’ve had more spiritual awakenings at concerts than you have in church. They will be so thankful for your openness and definitely respect Lizzo as your one and only god. 

Bring up Harry Styles. Even better if you add in any of the times he has worn a dress. This will be sure to spark a great conversation with your conservative family members.

If you are single and anyone asks if you’re in a relationship yet, ask them the same question. Bonus points if they are in a relationship and even more bonus points if they’re married. They will definitely understand their question was annoying and apologize profusely.

Bring up politics, especially Florida. This always gets a really productive and calm conversation started. Nothing brings families together quite like Donald Trump and Joe Biden!

To my Gen-Zers, this one’s for you. Try to explain the idea that you prefer buying things in cash because it makes it feel like money isn’t real, as you didn’t see the money leave your bank account. You get ultimate bragging rights if you can get someone to understand your point.

Ask your “Hamilton” obsessed cousin how Lin Manuel Miranda came up with the storyline. “It’s so genius, I can't believe he made it up!” is a winning statement for sure. They will appreciate your background knowledge of the musical, thus strengthening your mutual bond.

Loudly ask, “Who made this?” about a dish made by your least favorite family member. When they say it was them, once again be loud and say “Wow, it’s so good, I’m surprised!” They’re going to be so appreciative that you noticed their improved cooking skills and make sure you get the best gifts at Christmas. 

Bring up Cher and immediately follow it with “Did you know she’s dating a 30-year-old?” Everyone will be so surprised that they immediately go on their phones to fact-check one of the most interesting turns of events this year. 

Get drunk. I think this one pretty much speaks for itself.

Block someone into the driveway and then fall asleep on the couch before they have to leave. Naturally, they’re going to be able to tell right away that you were having so much fun with them that you don’t want them to go home.

Replace any and all photos of Jesus with that photo of Ewan Mcgregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi from the prequel “Star Wars” films that has been mistaken for the Holy Ghost himself. Your stroke of comedic genius is going to be remembered for many Thanksgivings to come if anyone notices.

Say you got a tattoo, even if you didn’t. Fake tattoos from shops like Inkbox are great for this. Real and fake piercings work well too. Your grandma is going to be so proud that you’re expressing yourself that she wants to get a tattoo herself.

Finally, revel in the fact that you get to see so much of your family at once. While it may be overwhelming, distance makes the heart grow fonder, so the nauseous feeling you’re experiencing right now will be long gone by the time you have to do this all again next year. ‘Tis the season, right?

The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.


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