The other day, I was sitting in the back of my truck with my girlfriend, playing the guitar and serenading her while we looked at the stars. Then, I started hearing clucking from all around. Out of nowhere, this human-sized chicken came and roundhouse kicked me in the face. I didn't know a chicken could roundhouse kick someone with its weird leg joints. I could barely see when I stood up because the chicken had scratched me across the face. "Am I feuding with another mascot?" I thought to myself.
I told my girlfriend to get in the truck and drive as far away as possible. I've got a silly mascot to fight and chicken to fry, and I'm all out of chicken. She drove off as I stood there, ready to fight. I heard the clucking again, this time from all around me, but I couldn't pinpoint it. Suddenly, I saw wings flapping and claws coming at me. He knocked me to the ground, and I yelled, "What do you want?" He leaned down and clucked in my ear, "Come to Earl's Coop." I thought to myself, WWZBD (What would Zach Bryan do?) and remembered I still had my guitar, so I grabbed it and broke it over his big chicken head. He flew off, and I walked back to Ohio University, dragging my broken guitar behind me.
When I got to Earl's Coop, I slammed my guitar on the table. The workers knew exactly who I was, and one looked me in the eyes and said, "We've been expecting you." They proceeded to dish out the chicken. After eating it, though, I was less than impressed. In addition to having to fight off a chicken, here's why I think Earl's Coop stinks:
The chicken is the most average chicken I've ever had, and it tastes like it was fried in crayons. I didn't even eat all five pieces of chicken I was given. The fries were also bad. They were soggy, and if I held them straight up, they would immediately flop onto my hand. Then, you get to the final station, and you're asked if you want a cookie or fruit. Why is fruit even an option? I obviously asked for a cookie, but they didn't even have a chocolate chip cookie. Maybe they were out of stock, but why wouldn't you have more chocolate chip cookies than any other? I had to settle for a stupid nut-filled cookie that was awful and tasted like cardboard.
The part of Earl's Coop that makes me the angriest is that they don't tell you who Earl is. Seriously, who is he? If I'm eating his average chicken, bad fries and non-chocolate chip cookies, I need to know more about him. Did Earl come up with the idea for the place? Does Earl work there? Is Earl that chicken I fought? There's no reason for Earl to be such a mystery.
At the end of the day, the chicken is okay if it's what you're hungry for, but to me, it's not that good. If you know who Earl or that mean chicken is, let me know.
Daniel Gorbett is a freshman at Ohio University. Please note that the views and opinions of the columnist do not reflect those of The Post. What are your thoughts? Let Daniel know by emailing him at firstname.lastname@example.org.