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Drew’s Decrees: Ranch it up at Earl’s

In the great whirlwind of the opening of Earl’s Coop on East Green, a great question arose: What sauce to go with this amazing chicken? 

Fear not, dear reader, for a great foodie veteran has emerged from what is the smoke and ash of the sauce debate. 

After a thorough investigation and multiple Coop runs, I was able to determine that the greatest sauce is … the ranch, and it's not even remotely close. I will probably take a tremendous amount of heat for this take, which I am willing to defend with bodily force if the occasion arises.

When I initially came face to face with the sauce options presented at Earl’s Coop, there were really only two options, which were the knockoff Cane's sauce (we can call it KOCS for short) and your standard ketchup and mustard (which I group together). I, being a longtime follower of the church of Cane's in Ohio, choose the KOCS. 

What I discovered was a huge letdown in the fact that it tasted watered down, but that was to be expected at Earl’s, I thought. However, I found out that I could not realistically eat a multitude of tenders or put the sauce on my pickle-brined chicken sandwich because my mouth had been pampered and babied with the savory delight that is Cane's Sauce. 

I would also not resort to turning to ketchup and mustard as the best sauce option either. That's like saying my silver 2013 Hyundai Elantra is the best car for me ever. Sure, it gets the job done, but it’s not thrilling by any means.

When I returned to my second day at the Coop, I discovered they had miraculously found 4 different sauces somewhere in the depths of Shively, and once I reviewed the options (garlic spice, barbeque, hot sauce and ranch) I chose the last. Ranch gets a lot of hate and I have no clue why, it's quintessential to dipping wings, making salad dressings, and generally complimenting a fine chicken tender, it also blends in when you inevitably drop it on your air forces that 9/10 of readers will be wearing. 

You might be asking, “But Drew, why not roll with those 3 sauces that were found miraculously in the back of Shivley?” I would have to respond by pointing out that I believe strongly that none of those sauces deserves to touch chicken in any form. If anything, they should be locked away in a small closet and tossed into the ocean far away from any 2 legged, fluffy feathered, future delicacies known as “chicken.”

Barbeque sauce is specifically for food being barbecued; as for spicy garlic, I am sorry but I would not touch it with a 6-foot pole, much less dump it on my beautiful chicken that I had to wait 30 minutes in line for. Hot sauce is really only for wings, which I consider a separate entity from chicken and tacos. So there it is, my first decree from which I hope the loyal subjects of Earl’s Coop will follow in my ranch footsteps.

Drew is a Freshman studying Communications at Ohio University. Please note that the opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of The Post. Want to Talk to Drew about his article? Message him on X @haughn_drew24

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