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Darn it, Daniel: Why I’m tired of my dorm and need to go home

I recently found myself in line at Whit’s and one of my fans recognized me and said, “Are you Darn it, Daniel? I love your articles.” I then replied with silence, as I couldn't hear him over the sound of my double ear infection. If I could hear, I would have been giving out double high-fives and autographs like it’s my job, but instead of hearing this poor fan’s undying love for my articles, all I heard was ringing. 

Now, you may be wondering, “How do you get a double ear infection as an adult? Aren’t those for little kids?" Well, I got it from the horrid place I call home: Sargent Hall.

I somehow found a way to get sick three times in the span of three weeks. You may be thinking, “Oh, so you were sick for three weeks straight.” No, there was a break between said sicknesses. I do believe it has something to do with the water. Do I have anything to prove that this is true? No, absolutely not. But there are definitely a lot of germs floating around in my dorm.

Being the ultra-smart man I am, I went to the doctor and they asked me if I was still taking all the medicine they prescribed me. I said, “No, obviously not. You stop taking the medicine when you’re good again.” Then the doctor yelled at me because I had stopped using the nasal spray they gave me for when I’m on campus. Now, I’m spraying nasal spray up my nose like it's my job so I can get healthy again.

Another problem I face in Sargent Hall is that I unfortunately live right across from the bathroom. As a result, when I walk around my dorm every day I get to play the game of “Outhouse or Old Spice.” In this game, you get the pleasure of unlocking your door to the smell of an outhouse or men’s soap while listening to the mumble rap that half my dorm listens to via an excessively loud speaker. 

The problem is that when guys go to the store, they don’t look for something that smells nice. Instead, we look for one that says “for men” on it in the biggest letters possible and the amount of different soaps they can combine in one bottle. For example, I use men’s seven-in-one, which smells and tastes like straight salt and pepper mixed together. Basically, your options are to smell like something bad or something terrible.

An issue I would guess a lot of dorm residents face is dealing with their fellow Bobcats. Every night, I put on my nightgown and nightcap and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Just over half of the time, there's some absolute party animal outside banging on the door. Who do they think they are knocking on the door late at night? Lucky for them, I am a nice guy, so I walk over to the door, crack it open and inform them that it is against dorm policy for me to let them in without their student ID. Then, I tell them the duty phone number, politely shut the door and happily walk back to my room knowing that I’ve done the right thing.

Speaking of dorm rooms, having a roommate stinks and we all know it. I mean, I don’t know this guy and you want me to change into my nightgown in front of him? Not happening. Everyone has to deal with the challenges of having a roommate, but I have a very special challenge. I’m a real night owl, so I am usually still awake when my roommate is going to bed; I am still hard at work producing articles for the good people of The Post

The problem is that my roommate talks in his sleep and for the first week I just let him talk away. However, week two rolled around and I started whispering to him that the zombies were coming to get us and he had nightmares all week. It was great, but then I started to feel bad, so from the third week until now I’ve actually started to become really good friends with him in his sleep. The only problem is that I'm still utterly terrified to talk to him when he’s awake.

So, since I'm so burnt out from all these dorm problems, I’m going home for the weekend. Please let me know how I can build up the courage to talk to my roommate and/or stop being sick.

Daniel Gorbett is a freshman at Ohio University. Please note that the views and opinions of the columnist do not reflect those of The Post. What are your thoughts? Let Daniel know by emailing him

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