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Drew’s Decrees: Why I despise children

I know what you're probably thinking after reading the title of this article: “This guy is heartless!” or “You’re too young to think like that!” But in my perfectly sane opinion, kids these days are a real nuisance.

Some time ago, I would have probably thought differently. I would have thought kids are fantastic and that I would turn out to be an awesome, inspiring role model. But in the past year, as I have become an adult, my opinions have changed. 

Recently, I was eating a footlong hot dog at Larry’s Hot Dawg House (shout out the best hot dog joint in Athens, located at 410 W. Union St.). I was going to the condiments station to sauce my dog up with some ketchup and mustard packets and, much to my dismay, the sauce station was held hostage by a mini sauce dictator. This kid was ruining the integrity of Larry’s Dawg House by wiping his greasy, mustardy palms all over the counter. If you walked into the Dawg House while this was happening and saw my reaction, you probably would have thought I just received astronomically terrible news. In reality, I just saw a little monster abusing the unspoken sacred rules of the sauce station. 

Some might say, “But they are just kids, Drew, they don’t know any better.” I would respond by saying that is a contradictory statement because shortly after my shock at the condiment incident, the little guy whipped around and grinned at me. I was talking turned and stared at me with the eyes of a miniature devil. If that is indicative of what having children is like, count me out. 

When I was a child, I learned the basic rules of etiquette early on. I took my shoes off at the McDonald's playground, I said please and thank you when it behooved me and I most definitely did not abuse the power of mustard. And it's not just this packet maniac either. Toddlers are getting bolder these days now that they have access to apps like TikTok and Instagram. 

The other day I was walking in Walmart intending to purchase a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos when I came into contact with the “youth.” The youth inquisition was taking up a large portion of the chip aisle doing some dance that involved flailing their arms while tilting their head at a 90-degree angle. After I was unable to obtain my Doritos and stood in annoyance for a minute, I turned around, walked back to my car, drove back to my dorm, parked terribly, didn't say anything to my roommate, climbed into bed, fell asleep and called it a day. It was noon. 

I have been told on numerous occasions I have the demeanor of a 70-year-old retired man with back problems, so maybe that has something to do with my dislike for the younger generation. But for now, my recent experiences have told me otherwise – kids and I do not vibe.

Drew is a freshman studying communications at Ohio University. Please note that the opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of The Post. Want to Talk to Drew about his article? Tweet him @haughn_drew24.

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