In Athens, you can scarcely toss a pebble around Ohio University without hitting a deer. They are everywhere. From College Green to O'Bleness Hospital, deer have spread themselves far and wide. The overpopulation is causing problems like deer taking their sweet time to cross the road and staring for too long with their beady eyes. This is why I have come up with a solution: we need to get rid of the wild deer in Athens.
Where I come from, when you bounce a deer off the bumper of your 2013 Hyundai Elantra, you do the reasonable thing and toss it in the back and cook some slow jerky to celebrate the new dent. I acknowledge that we cannot physically bounce all the deer off the front of our automobiles. This is mostly because environmental laws protect the deer population in Athens, but also because — believe it or not — I have a soul.
To prepare for this article, I did a thorough amount of research to make sure I was not making a rash decision, and I came to a shocking realization. Deer are kind of cool. They can jump high, bullrush things with their antlers and climb steep hills. Using this new knowledge, I concluded that the right thing to do is not to eliminate them but to domesticate them.
I know what you're thinking, "Why in the world would I want a pet deer?" Well, I think making the deer into our pets can greatly help out the OU student body. Have to sweat up a dreaded hill at 8 a.m.? Never fear; you can saddle up your handy dandy deer friend and head to class, maybe even slide your little buddy some goldfish and a good hug afterward. Are you sad because you have no significant other who wants to cuddle with you and watch a rom-com? Don't sweat it; now that you have domesticated a cute baby fawn, you will never be lonely in your dorm at night again. Angry that the buffoon next to you in the library finds it necessary to make a loud FaceTime call as you study for your exam? No worries, you can have your new best bud bite their cellular device.
I could go on and on, but by now, you're probably thinking about all the problems that could come from domesticating the deer. To that, there is more to gain from becoming friends rather than enemies with our four-legged buddies. Imagine the team we could become. Deer and OU students becoming friends would be a legendary combo, a duo not seen since Pippen and Jordan. I ask that you consider the idea and tell your friends, family and anyone you see on the street who will listen.
Drew is a freshman studying communications at Ohio University. Please note that the opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of The Post. Want to Talk to Drew about his article? Tweet him @haughn_drew24.
