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The Pest: I accidentally killed Dianne Feinstein

I’ll start with a disclaimer for those thrown off by the headline: I did not kill Dianne Feinstein. Also, to ensure my protection, this is a completely false story. Now, let’s get into it.

I am tired of all these American politicians walking around the Capitol like it’s a nursing home. In all fairness, I know I am not alone in that opinion either. I mean, come on, the average age of the current Senate is 64-years-old. That is the retirement age, people. 

One night, I was texting with my friends and voicing this opinion, as one does at 2 a.m. I was not necessarily calling out specific people regarding their age and how long they have been in Congress, but Feinstein’s name just happened to come up while on the topic. 

In a moment’s rage, I said some words I may or may not have not meant, specifically about the late Senator Feinstein. Do I regret those actions? Well, only if karma is not my boyfriend and comes back to bite me. Will I apologize for my words? Eh, only if her family reads this. 

So what exactly did I say? 

I certainly did not go after her deteriorating health, her undiagnosed dementia, her telling the public she was not on hiatus for five months or anything about this woman in the last two years. I certainly didn’t text “die” 12 times in a row. I mean come on I’m not a monster, people. (Except I did and I am. Allegedly.) 

The next morning, I conveniently woke up to news articles about her death. What are the chances? Folks, welcome to my luck. 

In all fairness, she technically died late Friday night and I was texting early Saturday morning. So, I did not do anything wrong, right? If anything, all I did was show her the light. 

Regardless, I do feel somewhat bad for what I said. In actuality, had I known the outcome of my words, I would have brought up other people. Believe me, there are way worse people in the Senate than some woman who was not even there in the last months before her passing. 

That being said, I would never wish death upon another rotten, crippling, decaying politician. But, some of you need to start acting right. I have a power, unlike anything you old farts have ever seen. 

The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.

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