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BedPost: How to get exactly what you need in bed

Content warning: the following article discusses sex and mature acts. Proceed appropriately.

When was the last time you had good sex? Being chronically single and sadly, a veteran of unfulfilling sexual experiences myself, my answer to that question would be months. 

Outside of the bedroom, I’m known for my colorful personality and ability to keep a conversation going with just about anyone. One of my roommates once said social anxiety fears me, and that in itself is proof in itself to my claims.

Yet, when it comes to sex, my go-to is often timidity and passivity. Sure, this is definitely partially because my submissiveness often trumps my dominant side, but it’s also because I have this underlying fear that I will inadvertently cross the line with someone. Needless to say, a vast majority of the time I like my partners to be the initiator. 

The crazy thing is, when I just communicate my needs before or during sex, it’s so much better. It’s such a simple, common sense solution to this problem, but in reality, it can be really intimidating. 

So, fret not, BedPost reader, I am here to guide you through how I’ve slowly gained the courage to express what makes me tick and what, to put it bluntly, makes me drier than the Sahara Desert. 

Self-discovery is key

If you don’t know what you like, your partner won’t either. That’s why masturbation is the first step to having better sex, and if your hands aren’t cutting it, sex toys might just be your new best friend. Indeed, there’s no toy that can perfectly replicate the experience of good cunnilingus, fellatio or any other sexual act, but at the end of the day, it’s more about diving into the depths of orgasmic bliss without the pressure to perform in front of a partner.

It might sound weird, but take this time to practice the art of dirty talk and natural vocalization if you feel inclined to do so. Specifically for my fellow vulva-havers, all I’m going to say is this: invest in a clit-sucking vibrator and pop in your headphones to explore the joys of audio porn. Who knows, you might just discover a new kink you never knew you had.

XXX Games

Made by the creators of the popular card game We’re Not Really Strangers, XXX is a super fun twist on the traditional game designed to formulate deeper connections with others. XXX is great to play with sex-positive friends or a partner. I played this game with the last guy I “dated,” and let’s just say it ended with us having better sex than ever before. 

While it still can be intimidating to answer the questions, it makes it a lot easier and even less awkward to have a conversation about sexual desires, kinks and boundaries with a partner. For example, I was able to convey the message that, despite being a popular move, I personally do not like to be choked. Saying this beforehand ensures that the experience of sex stays immersive for me. XXX also has the added benefit of feeling like a sort of pre-foreplay, contributing to that delicious slow burn in the moments before you even start kissing.  

Remember that sex should be fun

Sex is often referred to as one of the greatest forms of pleasure, so why would you not try to make it the absolute best you can? Nothing is better than being completely in the moment, eyes glazed over with desire because your partner knows exactly what you need. At the end of the day, sex should be satisfying for both parties and the quickest way to get there is by owning your inner slut and being confident about your likes and dislikes. After all, if someone wants to have sex with you, they should be more than happy to learn exactly how to make you cum. Now go forth and have some amazing sex.

BedPost is a sex and relationship column that does not reflect the views of The Post.

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