Sunday is Mother's Day. The only reason you have made it this far is because of a little lady we all like to call Mom. So now it's time to pay up and show your appreciation. The rest of the time you can go back to ignoring her, but let's try really hard to pay attention to her on this special day. Take an extra Adderall if you have to.
Your mom is special. She lugged you around like one hell of a fanny pack for nine months. She loved you from the beginning, even if you were ugly or soiled yourself. So the least you could do is call. At the very least, collect.
But what if you want to go the extra mile, perhaps to win motherly favor over a sibling rival? You could send flowers or a card, but let's face it: Those things cost money. Instead, why not give promises? Empty or not, they are guaranteed to delight Mom this Sunday.
Your mother is predictable. She says the same things, cooks the same meals and yells at you for being the same stupid. To find the right promise to make, you just have to classify what kind of mother you have. Like any person, mothers are individuals with their own personalities. But through a rigorous process of generalizing and ignoring, I have grouped all moms into five stereotypes.
Of course, you could just thank your mom for everything and tell her that you love her, but that's just being lazy.
-Brian Trapp is a senior specialized studies major. Send him en email at bt322701@ohiou.edu.
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