We come to college to escape from the real world and also to prepare for it. But eventually, we all have to be thrown out of the moving car that is higher education and onto the hard asphalt that is the real world. We must get jobs. As I approach graduation myself, I am constantly confronted with the most annoying question of all: So, you're graduating from college. Then what are you going to do?
As you can see from below, I am graduating with a degree in Specialized Studies. One might wonder what that exactly means and my best answer is that I am special. What my degree actually qualifies me to do is a harder question. If someone asks you what you are going to do after college, and you answer be special
it sounds silly. So usually, I just make stuff up. Here are some of my possible post-college careers.
The first is going straight for the gold: President of the United States. Remember when you were a kid and the path to the presidency followed the natural progression of fireman/astronaut/president? Well, according to the past couple elections, the more realistic progression seems to be frat boy/failed businessman/President. So if I go into politics, that's what I'm going to do. I'll join a frat and start at the bottom. I also think it wouldn't hurt to just be adopted by the Bush family, as it seems that anyone can get elected to an office if they start from there.
Another option is the classic get famous somehow. I enjoy this option because of the diversity of methods that can be used to achieve fame. It can range from becoming a famous movie star, to becoming a famous reality television cast member to committing a famous major felony. To me, the best bet would be to commit a major felony while on a reality TV show which will later help launch my movie career, once I get out of prison. So there's always that.
During all this thinking of post-college plans, a logical question is: Why would I want to leave the cozy bosom of college in the first place? And that's a good point. I could go to graduate school. Graduate school is for people who are either really smart or really scared. Study the world hard enough and you would want to hide in some Ivory Tower too.
It's always good to have a back-up plan, so my back-up plan is to become homeless. This would allow me to abandon the rat race all together. Some of you may say that this would be a waste of my education but as I've said before, failure is relative. Although it's true that I would live in a cardboard box, my box would be lined with three layers of bubble wrap. Does anyone else's box in the alley have bubble wrap? I don't think so. Does any one else in the alley have a college degree? I don't think so. Coincidence? I don't think so.
However, the truth is that my actual post-college plans are to move back in with my parents. That is quite depressing, because it means that what were supposed to be the best four years of my life are now over. It's all downhill from here. But the best thing about going downhill is that it requires the least effort. Just let gravity take you where it may. As seen here, I've already started my post-graduate journal: 10:30 Woke up. Again. Decided to skip class. Then, remembered there is no class to skip. Fun taken out of sleeping. Got up.
10:40 Took shower. Used Johnson and Johnson tearless shampoo. Cried anyway.
11:05 Made breakfast. Yelled Leggo my Eggo. Realized that none of college roommates are present to steal food. Reminded myself how lonely self is.
11:30 Watched The Bold and the Beautiful. First soap opera of the day. Found self caught in vicious cycle of soap opera cliff hangers. Need help. To be continued ...
2:30 Looked for job in paper. Used highlighter once used in college to highlight things that are important. Highlighted self to make self feel important. Nope, still worthless and now neon. Buried college highlighter in backyard as symbolic gesture, next to childhood dog.
5:00 Eureka! Finally find myself. Dislike self. Run away from self. Went to Wal-Mart. Greeted by jolly Wal-Mart greeter. Felt better. Had no money to buy anything, even at the low, low price. Felt worse. Realized jolly lady has no health insurance. Felt worse.
7:30 Watched Jeopardy. Excited because four years of Tier II classes should make me good at a game that tests useless knowledge. Performed horribly. Revived belief in God, solely for damning purposes.
9:00 Bored. Decided to start writing my memoirs (it's never too early). Tried to find a happy ending. Vowed to complete memoirs as soon as something good happens.
10:00 Called friends still at college. Given strength to live. Curled up in fetal position to wait for Social Security. In 45 years: pay dirt.
But according to recent news, I may not even be able to rely on Social Security anymore. So eventually, I'm going to have to get a real job. What am I going to do after college? The same thing everyone else tries to do: find a job and a life that will make me happy. And if that's impossible, then just happy enough.
-Brian Trapp is a special-ized studies major and will face the cold real world soon. Send him an e-mail at bt322701@ohiou.edu. 17
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