Wait! Don't turn the page yet! I have something very important to tell you! OK, you can turn the page now. I just wasn't done reading the article below me. What's that? You actually thought I had something worthwhile to say? You must be visiting from out of town. Welcome to Halloween weekend in Athens.
You will be amazed by many things during your stay here. One will be how many women will incorporate the words 'hot' or 'sexy' into the name of their costume. I'm going as a devil
but I mean like a sexy devil. I'm a nurse but not just a nurse -like a hot nurse. I'm going as an astronaut
but like
a sexy astronaut. I'm going as Star Jones
but like a .
Huh. Wouldn't let me do it.
Look, I'm not trying to be mean -well, I was with the Star Jones line -I'm just surprised that so many women are willing to sacrifice their body temperature for a few extra Milk Duds. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. In fact, I'm happier than Michael Jackson when he found out there was a holiday that actually encourages young boys to take candy from strangers. Sorry -low blow.
Halloween, though significant, is not the only newsworthy story this week. In fact, there is an election soon. Now in election years, I always find it interesting what the presidential candidates are going to be for Halloween. It really sets the tone for the upcoming election.
So what's John Kerry going as? He would like to go as something other than a cliché, but I don't think he'll be able to get his Boston cap and his Livestrong bracelet off in time. What other options? There's always Frankenstein. Or he could go as a melting candle. So which is he going to pick? Surprise! He can't make up his mind.
And George W. Bush? He'll be going as a literate human being.
Speaking of alcoholics, there will probably be quite a bit of drinking in Athens this weekend. So I've decided to provide, at no extra charge, some ways to see if you are drinking too much. 'Excessive Inking,' a term I created to describe rereading my column numerous times, is great. Excessive drinking, however, generally is looked down upon. So keep these tips in mind:
If you can't remember what you were for Halloween, and you still have your costume on, it may be time to take a breather.
If you get arrested for drinking alcohol, and on the way to the cop car you call shotgun, you should probably skip a round.
If you purchase something from any of the Uptown buggies and actually enjoy it, then you need to go online and print out directions to O'Bleness Memorial Hospital, at 55 Hospital Dr., Athens, Ohio 45701.
Look. No, keep reading -I meant figuratively. Look. When you leave here, remember that Athens is a kick-ace place all year round. There are live bands playing in bars every weekend, open-mic nights, nice places to eat, thousands upon thousands of attractive women, a few decent men over five-foot ten ... what I'm trying to say is that if you only visit Athens for Halloween, you're missing out on a lot of sweet stuff -no pun intended.
You can accuse Athens of not having a lot of things -money and a decent road are two things that immediately come to mind -but you can't say it doesn't have character. There's just no way to see Athens in a single weekend -especially if you are too busy trying to feed a Snickers to a parking meter that you will later mistake for a pay urinal -so come back soon and see our town again. And if it really is the candy that brought you here, let me know and next time you can have a pack of Skittles -my treat.
-Bryson Turner is a junior telecommunications major. Send him an e-mail at bryson.turner@ohiou.edu.
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Bryson Turner
