The greatest thing about college, aside from the occasional opportunity to see a couch that's been set aflame, is the bonding between students. It doesn't matter if we're black or white, Democrat or Republican, Home Depot or Lowe's, we all have one goal in common. You see, we all came to college in search of one thing; something more beautiful than friendship, rarer than courage and shinier than leprechaun gold. This something is so special, so elusive, that some of us have never, and will never, come to know it. I am, of course, talking about really good sleep.
If you've never had really good sleep, don't despair. According to recent statistics, only 30 percent of average Americans aged 18-25 have ever had really good, Wow
20 years already? sleep. This is not to be unexpected. Because of a series of events not unrelated to the number of Starbucks and overly loud car stereos in this country, most people just don't seem to be able to devote enough time and effort into getting a really good day's sleep. That's right, I said day's. That's why I'm in the papers.
I'm sure that at this point, one question is swirling within your mind: Where did you find these statistics? To which I answer, using all my abilities as a journalist, the Internet.
Now, if you had asked, But Warren how can I an American youth
attain this level of sleep you speak of? I would have answered Don't end a sentence with a preposition. But seriously, you too can achieve a level of sleep you've only dreamed of, pun intended. Fortunately for you, I happen to be known in professional sleep circles as The Nap King
capable of sleeping through tornados, the neighbor's dog and even most episodes of The Nanny.
The number one trick to sleep is not to limit it to nighttime. Be like the noble owl, getting his sleep during the day so that at night he is fully rested to do Tootsie Pop commercials and arrange Hooters events. But Warren
how can I sleep when I have work
classes and loved ones? Many hours of time can be freed for use as naptime if one simply sleeps on the job. Don't worry, Kim the human resource manager will do your work, considering the divorce left her with ample free time and, being a woman in the workplace, she unfortunately must work twice as hard to get half the respect a man would get for the same job. She's willing to apply herself so that she can finally raise enough money to pay for her father's operation. Once Kim replaces you, you will have ample time for nappy-nap.
As for classes, most of the classroom seats on campus are perfectly comfortable, and most of the teachers are too busy to pay attention to you, if you catch my drift. But I can't sleep through my classes! Sure, not with that kind of attitude. Yes I can! That's what you should be thinking. Now, don't get me wrong, as so many often do. I'm not advocating excessive abuse of this technique; after all, the professors aren't any happier about being awake than you. They work hard to make sure you understand the course material, often sacrificing their own free time, and we should all show them a little respect and gratitude. Besides, you did pay for the class, and it's in your best interest to pay attention and apply yourself, especially if it's required for your major. All I'm saying is, when used sparingly, sleeping during a social science-type class or even a horseback riding course (though I don't recommend the latter) can prove to be a more effective weapon against insomnia than the third X-Men movie (burn).
A warning: Constant sleep, even really, really good USDA-choice sleep, is not to be used as a reality substitute, especially if you're prone to nightmares like I am. If I have to endure another horrific vision of Stephen Colbert losing the 2006 Emmy for Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program, I might never sleep again (darn you Barry Manilow!). After all, excessive sleep eats up time you could be spending with friends, working on a hobby or writing apologies to local professors for writing a column suggesting that students should sleep in their classes.
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Warren Locke
